


The Pain Of Their Love & My Past

by LyricXx



Series: The Pain Of Their Love & My Past [1]
Category: Yaoi - Fandom, Yu-Gi-Oh!
Genre: Kaiba - Freeform, M/M, Mokuba Kaiba - Freeform, Seto - Freeform, Seto Kaiba - Freeform, Yami, Yami Yugi - Freeform, Yaoi, Yugi - Freeform, Yugi Mouto
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-08
Updated: 2010-07-08
Packaged: 2017-10-10 10:51:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 30,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/98936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyricXx/pseuds/LyricXx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seto & Yami have been secretly dating since the beginning of high school...But lately it seems Seto is keeping something from Yami & Mokuba.<br/>Seto begins to think about the past...His past with Mokuba and the the things that had happened with Gozaburo.<br/>He wonders how he got the way he is, why he is the cold person he is...<br/>As the thoughts travel in his head, memories that were suppressed become seen again. He begins to fall into deeper depression...Using anything to bring himself back to reality...<br/>What Seto doesn't know...Is that it will take the love of the two most important people in the world to him in order to change the ways he was taught...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. My Personal Hell

**Author's Note:**

> &lt;&lt;.YAOI &amp; DETAILED WRITINGS.&gt;&gt;  
> ~ If you do NOT like reading FanFics about Suicide or people feeling Suicidal...DO NOT READ THIS FANFIC!!!  
> ~ All Characters belong to the Creator of Yu-Gi-Oh!  
> ~ Story is my only Creation!
> 
> NOTES:  
> Kaiba found a way to place Yami in a physical body, one that is the exact appearance as Yami's in the series.  
> So Yugi and Yami are now two different people physically.  
> Yami Yugi will be known as Yami.  
> Yugi Mouto will be known as Yugi.  
> Kaiba is 18. He was 7 when Gozaburo adopted them, and 8 when Gozaburo died and he inherited Kaiba Corp.  
> Mokuba was 5 when Seto inherited Kaiba Corp. Mokuba is now 15, he also grew some.  
> If he and Seto were to stand next to each other, Mokuba would be about to Seto's chest, whereas he was about to Seto's waist.

It had been awhile since I had thought about my step-father, Gozaburo Kaiba. I had banished him from my mind years ago. Or at least I had tried…

"…Kaiba."

I glanced up out of the corner of my eye, my hand covered my mouth…And I wasn't about to move it. My glance was all they were going to get as an answer.  
One of the students, Yugi Mouto, stood above me. Or at least tried.

"The school bell rang and…It's our last year. We were…That is me and my friends were thinking of grabbing something to eat, would you like to come?"

My glance returned towards the front of the room, back at the chalkboard.

I closed my eyes and sighed…Something I very rarely did…As I stood from the desk.

"…Thanks Yugi, but I need to pick up Mokuba, it's his last day and they get out early themselves. I'm sure you…" I glanced towards the doorway, my relationship was standing by the door looking back at me; he smiled lightly. A smile that urged me to agree…

Of course he couldn't ask himself.

I thought reluctantly, it seemed lately I couldn't control what I thought…Or when I thought it.

"…And Yami understand."

I didn't wait for a response…Nor did I really want one. It seems everything Yugi says to me, it should be him saying it. Yami.

I walked past him now; his own touch grazed my arm. I stopped and looked at him from the corner of my eye. My head remained facing straight.

"You're not coming?" He asked me, my gaze returned in front. "You don't have to run the corporation today, right? You should come with me and Aibou."

(AIBOU = Partner in Japanese; Yami calls Yugi this in order to prevent confusion.)

"I don't have work. I have family business to attend to." I continued to walk forward; his grip loosened on my school uniform as I wretched myself away from his touch.

The sound of the conversation he and his "Aibou" entered my ears. My legs refused to move.

"Is anything wrong with your relationship Yami?"

He sighed…"I don't know Aibou…I need to talk with Kaiba. It seems something is going on in his head. I feel he isn't as sure about this relationship."

I dropped the briefcase and turned around; walking back to the classroom I had just left. They had continued to talk without noticing me in the door frame. Without a second thought my arms wrapped around Yami's small waist, he was still shorter than me by a few inches. I bent my head to his shoulder and lightly kissed his neck.

"A-Ah…" I heard his sigh of surprise and smirked to myself, slowly I licked up to his ear and removed my arms from his waist.

"…You are coming by tonight right?" I whispered into his ear, he looked even more surprised. Granted…I hadn't planned on having him over that night…Or any night soon, the thoughts in my head were getting worse and more time-consuming.

He turned towards me and looked into the stare I had given him.

"Yeah…I'll be over…Tonight." I smirked, the only expression close enough to a smile as I could manage around Yami's "Aibou".

"Great, just use the pass…" I lightly touched the card necklace he had hanging around his neck. It was a replica to the ones Mokuba and I had, however Yami's was empty. It was only a symbol to security that he was special and by all means he should be allowed into the mansion Mokuba and I had inherited. "…That I gave you."

My lids covered my eyes again as I stood straight and turned to walk away. I picked the briefcase I had dropped onto the floor back into my hand.

Despite the aching feeling in my chest I walked away from Yami. It seemed whenever I left him now there was an aching pain…And once the pain started it never subsided. Not until I saw him again.

Not until his touched grazed my skin…And not until my touch grazed his.

It felt when I walked away, that I had left a piece of myself.

And the gaping hole that was left behind when I left him behind was always a perfect home for the thoughts that now plagued my mind.


	2. A Glimpse Into My Past

I watched out the shaded windows of the limousine to the front of the elementary school in Domino City. Being the last day of the school, the kids rushed out of the school and into the cars that belonged to their parents…

Or older siblings in Mokuba's case.

As the cars rushed past the limousine the kids on the walkways dispersed and disappeared. I was used to seeing Mokuba walk out of the school doors alone, he had never talked to me about friends or anything even close to that…It had never bothered me much before, could it be I thought he was happy that way?

Being alone?

If I had thought that, I wondered now how I could. Why would Mokuba be any different than me? Be any different than any other human being? How could I possibly think he liked being alone?

It was clear to anyone who looked at us; Mokuba was the brother who wanted to be around people. Or more…He wanted to be around me more than anyone else.

These thoughts rolled around my head, I leaned forward; placing my head between my knees and holding it between my hands.

Even though he wants to be around me, even though Yami wants to be around me…I can't seem to stand being around people anymore. It feels whenever Yami…Whenever Mokuba leaves…I have the empty feeling, the gaping hole in my chest that isn't being filled when they are gone.

I felt the touch of a small hand on my shoulder, broken from my thoughts I shot up straight in the leather seat. My breathing was uneven…I hadn't noticed that my breath was held.

"Seto Nii-San..."

(NII-SAN = Older Brother. Mokuba occasionally will refer to Seto as this when he is worried or frightened; other times he simply calls him Seto.)

I glanced at the small hand that was gripping my shirt tightly, then quickly at the face of that hand.

That worried expression…It eats away at my heart.

I caught my breath and placed the hard exterior around my body again. The fake expressions that I always carried appeared on my face as usual.

"I'm fine Mokuba. There's no need for that expression." I said in what I can only describe as a monotone. It seemed that lately I had been pushing him away, my brother, and my relationship.

I'm pushing everyone away.

"…Ok."

The rest of the trip to the mansion was a quiet one, Mokuba sat as far away from me as possible. I remembered the times when we were younger back at the orphanage…

"Nii-San!!!" He used to say my name with such confidence, like I could do anything. "Seto, there are families coming by today. The manager wants us to get dressed in our best clothes. He says a corporate leader is coming!"

That corporate leader…He ruined it all.

"…A corporate leader? If he's a corporate leader why would he want a kid?"

"I don't know Seto, but he's coming! And the manager said to him, that he may be interested in you…" His voice lowered.

He thought we were going to be split up. Ha! Like I would allow that…Mokuba has always been there for me, he's the only real family I have. I could never leave him.

"Mokuba, even if this corporate leader wants only me. I won't go. I made a promise to you, I'll never leave."

A smile formed on his lips, seeing his smile always made me smile in return. What happened?

Gozaburo…

The manager had led us in a line…Like usual; whenever a family came by we were strictly meat to be picked. It was gut-wrenching…That feeling of being a product. I thought once Mokuba and I were chosen to join a family that feeling would change. It would be forever banished in the depths of our minds.

But I was wrong…Being adopted only made it worse. At least…By Gozaburo.

It was different than the usual adoptions. First, Gozaburo only wanted the boys out in a line. They had to be a certain age…Mokuba did not meet the age requirement but I had said that he and I were a package deal. I wouldn't be going anywhere without my brother.

The manager had hated me I'm sure, I always stuck up for Mokuba, and usually…That was causing trouble in his eyes.

Gozaburo had then brought out a table…A chess table…And two chairs. He and the manager had set up a chess game. We all watched as Gozaburo sat down. Everyone but Mokuba and I watched in awe, I had an odd feeling about the older man in front of us.

He looked strictly business, like he was looking for an heir to his corporation rather than a child.

That would explain the chess table…

The manager had stood in front of us afterward,

"Mr. Kaiba would like to…Play each of you in a chess match. It will have no indication on whether he adopts you or not, it's only for fun!"

An obvious lie.

One by one each of the kids ahead of me and Mokuba played against the corporate leader. And one by one they were all   
defeated.

By the time the manager had gotten to me, he looked somewhat nervous. When he looked at me, his face lightened up. Like   
I was his one-way ticket to getting a "deal" with Gozaburo Kaiba.

And I was.

Mokuba grabbed a hold of my hand as the manager led me forward, not that I needed to be leaded. Not by someone who was only a follower.

I sat at the opposite end of Gozaburo Kaiba, Mokuba stood behind me.

"Who is the one behind him?" Mr. Kaiba motioned to my brother, he hadn't talked to me directly. He was speaking to the manager.

"That is Mokuba. Seto's brother…The only reason I am allowing him to be here, Mr. Kaiba, is Seto had forbade to stay unless Mokuba was with him."

"You took orders from a child?"

"…I-I wouldn't call them orders…Sir." The manager mumbled, I could see now that Gozaburo's edge was his intimidating expressions.

"I can see you, Seto, will be worth the money I pay." He said to me, his eyes glared into mine. I showed no sign of intimidation, and sent a glare back at him. "You will make an excellent leader of Kaiba Corporation…That is if you win."

"I plan to. Not for the sake and future of your so called "corporation", but for my brother. He deserves better than this hell-hole." I felt a hand on my shoulder, it tightened.

"Seto! I will not allow you to talk this way in front of Mr. Kaiba!...I apologize Mr. Gozaburo Kaiba."

The man opposite of me stared, he raised his hand.

"Please. Let the child play. I am looking forward to this, and possibly to seeing him rise in my corporation."

Without any more sounds we began to play, I felt more riding on this match than any other I had played.

With this match…I decided the future of Mokuba and I. More importantly I decided the future of Mokuba alone. I didn't care about me.

The match went on for hours; Mokuba remained by my side standing. He was as focused on this match as I was.

I let out a breath.

"Check mate." The words fell from my lips. My hand slowly moved over the table and pushed his King over on the table.

He sat there with a sour expression on his face before laughing.

That laugh…So evil.

"Well it is settled. Seto…You are now my son, and my only heir to Kaiba Corporation!"

"…Thank you. Mr. Kaiba." I wasn't sincere; I knew this meant hell for myself. But Mokuba…Would live happily. "Mokuba and I will not let you down."

"Hm? Mokuba? Oh. Your brother…Yes, he will not be coming. I only need YOU Seto." I stood from my seat, my hand tightened automatically around Mokuba's.

"I'm not leaving without Mokuba." I said. Mokuba wrapped his other arm around mine and placed his forehead against my shoulder. "If you want me, you'll have to adopt Mokuba too."

Gozaburo stared at the two of us in disbelief, the manager of the orphanage had an infuriated glare to his eyes. I was throwing away his opportunity.

Mr. Kaiba placed his hands on the table and crossed his fingers. He leaned in closer to me, and whispered:

"Seto…I will adopt Mokuba along with you. But know if I spend the extra money simply so you can stay with your brother.

I will work you harder than I had previously planned." He stared at me with evil eyes, they dared me to agree to his proposal.

"As long as Mokuba is adopted with me, I don't care what punishment or work I get."

"Nii-San!!!" Mokuba looked into my eyes that day with a worried expression. He hadn't continued his exclamation, he didn't need to.

"Mokuba if I agree to this, you can live happy. You can live the life mother and father wanted for us."  
Mokuba hadn't objected anymore after that, he knew that what I had done was for his future only. And I had no interest in mine.

In a matter of minutes the manager had the adoption papers on the chess table, I could see he didn't want to waste any time getting rid of the two of us.

The papers were signed…And we were placed in the limousine…

"Mr. Kaiba?" I glanced up into a v-neck jacket; somehow I had gotten into my office in the mansion. My secretary stood above me, her blond hair falling over her shoulders.

She wore barely professional clothing; it was tight against her body. She had always worn the types of jackets that only barely hid her bra…That is if she even wore one.

I had known from several other experiences she had worn these types of clothing only to try and seduce me. She was only wasting her time.

"…What?" Unfortunately I couldn't hide the annoyance in my tone.

"These papers need your signature," She took her fingers and grazed them on top of the several papers she held against her chest. "They are an acceptance to release the new software to the public."

"Put them on the desk, I'll sign them later." My eyes glanced at the clock.

I had told Yami to come by tonight…But I hadn't told him a time.

"…Another thing Seto…" I glanced up again; she was half sitting on the large desk in my office. Her already short skirt was hiked up more as she crossed her legs. "…You never have any women come around here…Don't you get lonely at night?"

She glanced up at me from underneath her lashes, a seductive glance…

I leaned back in the large chair that was behind me; I entwined my fingers together and placed them on my crossed legs.

I glared up at her.

"No, I don't. If the papers were all that needed to be attended to…" I closed my eyes, "Business-wise. Then leave."

She "Hmph'ed".

"Also…" I opened my eyes again, she glanced down at me. "Refrain from calling me by my first name." I stood from my chair and walked towards the door, "Once again, if that's all. Please leave." I grabbed a hold of the handle and pulled the door open slightly. She didn't say anything more, only glared at me from the corner of her eye as she left my office.

I'm the only one to reject you? That is…Not at all surprising.

I shut the door with my back as I leaned against the door, my fingers massaged my temples. I could feel an on-coming headache.

Another knock at the door…I opened it myself instead of the usual "come-in".

Yami stood by the door, ready to grab the door-knob.

"…Yami." I sighed his name. I opened the door fully and wrapped my arms around his small shoulders. My forehead placed on his shoulder…He seemed surprised.

"K-Kaiba. What's…Gotten into you lately?" I felt his hands on the sides of my ribs. "…You seem so lonely. Even when I'm around."

I didn't respond to his question, I only tightened my grip. I turned my head to face his neck, I could feel his embarrassment.

I suppose it's only natural…I'm usually not this affectionate. But now…I can't stand being away from him. When I am…

My mind floated back to the gaping hole that was in my chest…My eyes shut tightly as I tried to banish the thought away like I was able to whenever Yami or Mokuba was around. Yami was lightly pushing against my chest.

I let my arms droop from his neck to his waist.

I stood straight as my arms released his waist, "…Gomenasai…" I muttered under my breath, it was all I could allow as I turned and walked back into the office. Yami followed and shut the door behind him. It shut quietly with a *click*.

(GOMEN = I'm sorry ; GOMENASAI = I'm so sorry/Forgive me. GOMENASAI is a more severe apology, while GOMEN is usually used for less serious apologies. Either way it depends on the person using it and which apology they feel best fits the situation.)

I walked towards the large window that looked over the city. My office was one of the rooms in the back of the mansion.

We lived on a hill taller than Domino City, so through the back rooms we got a decent view of the city.  
Most of the bedrooms were in the back on the first floor, Mokuba and I's were only a few doors apart. My office was on a floor higher and was surrounded by other smaller rooms that we mainly used for storage and other small offices.  
I felt arms wrap around my waist, a head on the top of my shoulders.

"Kaiba…What is going on?"

"Nothing I can't handle, Yami. There's no need to worry." Once again the monotone and fake expressions returned.

Why can't I be the self I was? Even with Mokuba…It's the hard business man that talks to them. It's not Seto anymore. It's simply Kaiba.

"Stop lying, will you?!" He let go of my waist. "I know something is wrong! I'm not blind!" I glanced at him from around my shoulder. I sighed again and turned around fully. With my hand I traced from his ear to his chin.

"I'm not lying."

He looked into my eyes with a fierce expression, he was angry…And he had a right to be. I knew I was lying to him, and he clearly knew I was lying to him.

So why can't I just tell him the truth? Why can't I admit that I'm weak…And that I need someone with me? I know the answer…But…I'm too afraid to admit it. Even more…I'm too afraid to change. I've lived my life like this for eight years…How can I change? And how could I even ask Yami or Mokuba to help me change? Even worse…How could I ask them both to help me…?

I looked away from him; out of the corner of my eye I saw his expression change…He was worried…So very worried. His expression hurt, the aching hole in my chest seemed to grow bigger.

…I can't ask them for help. This…Will be like everything else I was ever taught. I do not need anyone. I can do this alone…Alone…

The word echoed in my head…It seemed that was all that was going through my mind. Alone.

I was spiraling into another banished memory…

We had arrived at the mansion that was to be our home. Mokuba and I. He still held tight onto my arm as we were led out of the limousine and into the wide large doors.

Gozaburo led us inside, maids and butlers lined the carpet that greeted us. My face remained unimpressed. It took us several minutes to tour the house. Gozaburo had left to go to his office, which was soon to be mine, he had a maid…Or as he called her, servant…Lead us around the mansion and show us to our rooms.

Although he had given us different rooms, Mokuba stayed with me for years after we were first shown through the mansion. Gozaburo had never noticed; he never gave Mokuba the light of day. But me? He worked me and punished me just as he had promised.

…But still, I did not regret any of it. I knew Mokuba was being treated well and that was all that mattered…

Once the maid had let us on our own, Mokuba stayed with me in my room. We had talked for a few moments about the situation at hand…

"Nii-San…What do you think he'll make you do?"

"Don't worry about that Mokuba; you don't have to worry about anything anymore." He was lying his head on my lap; I brushed the hair away from his face.

I had become more of a parent to my younger brother than an older brother. It was like…I was a complete package. Mokuba was never angry with me if I failed at one of the jobs occasionally.

For that I was grateful…I was not always the best older brother after Gozaburo had a hold of me…

"But Nii-San…" I placed my hand over his mouth.

"Don't worry Mokuba. Whatever he throws at me, I'll be fine. And I'll always be here for you."

A knock.

I glanced up from my brother's face, a woman stood in the door-way.

"Mr. Seto…Mr. Kaiba would like you to come with me. He says it is urgent…"

I had a feeling at that time…Gozaburo would change my life for the worst…And I was right…

"…Seto!" I opened my eyes quickly and shot up in bed, once again my breath was caught in my throat and I had been breathing heavily. I hadn't noticed until I brought the hands to my face…There were tears in my eyes.

"Seto…" Yami was sitting next to me; his eyes were even more worried than before. He quickly reached for my head and placed it against his chest in a hug.

I glanced around the room I was in now…We were in my room…On the bed.

How did I get here…? Did Yami lead me here…? Or did I…?

I closed my eyes, trying to regain the focus I lost. I could feel another burning sensation in my eyes. I blinked away the tears.

I refuse to cry. I will not show weakness. Not in front of Yami…Not in front of Mokuba.

"What happened?! You blacked out on me…!" He brought my face to level with his. His eyes once again were fierce and angry…However he couldn't hide the real worry and frightened expression he had. "Seto! Talk to me…You were crying…" He hugged me tighter.

"I was not. Let…Go of me. You know I hate being held…!" I lied again…I loved being held by him…By my brother too...It reminded me of a time I was needed. A time where I didn't feel useless…

He refused; I felt his grip tighten even more.

"Yami…"

"You can't lie to me and tell me you weren't Seto. I saw you. I felt your tears. Don't lie to me anymore…I…I can't take it!" I lightly pushed against his small frame, reluctantly he let me go. I could see in his eyes he was forcing himself not to wrap his arms around me…And comfort me once again.

I won't allow it…This weakness! This weakness of mine is ruining everyone! I can't let this go on. I need some way to vent…Some way to rid me of the anger…Of the sorrow…

"What's with that expression? There's nothing wrong with me." I leaned back on my hands and closed my eyes. "…How did I get in here anyway? I was in my office." I looked at Yami from the corner of my eye; he was staring down, his expression hurt.

I took a hand and placed it against his cheek. He leaned into my hand and closed his eyes.

"Kaiba…" He looked up, "…Why do you keep things from me? Why do you lie?" He took my hand in his hands and began fiddling with them. He refused to look up, he only stared at my hand.

"…I don't lie to you."

His grip tightened.

"You are now! I don't understand Kaiba, are you trying to push me away?" He looked up at me, betrayal covered his face.

"Why would I do that Yami?" I asked in monotone…

I couldn't stop answering him in nothing but emotionless babble. I knew he wanted more than that; he wanted to see that I was hurt. Even though it meant he would be hurt as well…  
He wanted to see that I cared for him, as much as he did for me.

"Whenever I want to be with you...You're always busy. You're always in your office or at a meeting."

"I can't help that I'm an adopted heir to the Kaiba Corporation." I mumbled, Yami looked into my eyes again, his gaze was intense but…It was also worried…And somewhat hopeful that I was going to continue why I was adopted.

I didn't…I couldn't.

Gozaburo had taught me if I had ever told any person my problems…My fears, my weaknesses…I would surely be hurt...And I would surely be over-taken by others in the business world. The way to over-come it was simply by not feeling…That's why Gozaburo had worked me…And punished me even harder.

I had kept Mokuba in my life, in his eyes I had kept a weakness. A link to my weakness…

If anyone were to take Mokuba…They'd know I'd do anything…

And now…

Yami is another weakness…Another link.

Another link that I don't need…But…I DO need Yami…I need him like I need Mokuba…

So I do as Gozaburo instructed me to do…

"Seto, you are to be the heir to the Kaiba Corporation. With that responsibility there is no room for emotions. No room for feelings. Do you understand?"   
Gozaburo Kaiba stood opposite of my small body, he was standing by the window I had not stood by only moments ago. He had his hands behind his back; in them…He held a belt.

I knew what that was for. It wasn't hard to guess.

Punishment.

"…Gozaburo. That belt is to be used to punish me. I don't…Care about that…But don't hurt Mokuba. And…Don't leave the marks where Mokuba can see. He'll worry." I saw him turn around; he had an evil glare in his eye…  
His hand tightened around the belt.  
I closed my eyes and awaited the damage that was to be dealt…

…The night after…I didn't return to the room Mokuba and I shared…I couldn't. My request went unheard by Gozaburo. And after the constant teachings he had put me through that very first day…And the constant beatings…I knew it would only get harder from then on.

I only hoped my body would get used to being hurt…So one night soon I could stay with Mokuba and protect him from the situations I faced…

I sat up straight again, sweat poured down my face and through my clothing. I blinked my eyes, trying to get the stinging sensation to clear.

I was crying again.

Damn it! Why can't I control this?

I quickly wiped away the tears that had appeared once again in my sleep. It didn't take me as long to realize I was back in my office…It was only pitch black in the night.

When Yami had appeared in my office it was only 5 PM, the sun wasn't even beginning to set. I wasn't sure how long he had stayed here…

Was he even here? Was all that a dream…? I can't remember anything. The only image in my mind is…

Gozaburo flashed through my mind, the past…The pain; physical and emotional began to surge through my body again. The more I thought about those times, the worse off I was.

Then why when I try to stop myself from remembering them…I black out and remember them regardless? Why AM I   
remembering? I banished these memories…These harmful memories…The pain…The anger…The feeling that I needed REVENGE.

My hands were placed on either side of my head; as my head began pounding and my eyes rolled around the room, trying to focus on one thing, I realized I was holding onto my sanity. I didn't know what else I could do.

I was too stubborn…Too weak to admit to anyone I needed help.  
Gozaburo's teachings were still within me; still implanted in my mind…I couldn't do anything. I was helpless…  
Was? I AM helpless…Why can't I help myself? I want to help myself…I want to FIX myself. I don't need anyone; I'm fine being alone…!  
NO! I'm not fine…I'm not OK. Yami…Mokuba…I need you…I need you both…Where are you?

I need you…

Mokuba…

Yami…

…Help…Me…


	3. Ai Shiteru

I blinked my eyes open…The sunlight that shown in through the large pane windows of my office blinded me easily. I was lying on the hard wood floor.

My body ached…My head pounded. I couldn't move…Or was it that I refused to move?

I wasn't sure…

I heard a small knock on the office door, I closed my eyes again.

"…Seto Nii-San…?" Mokuba's voice entered my ears. He was worried…But then again, when wasn't he now? "Nii-San…Can I come in?" He asked again.

Mokuba…Have I made you so terrified that you need to ask to see me? What have I become…?  
Unfortunately I knew the answer to the question I had asked myself, I was simply too afraid to admit it.  
Over the past ten years I had become Gozaburo…

The door clicked. It creaked open. It clicked again.

I heard his gasp, I didn't bother to move…His footsteps thumped in my head as he ran over to me.

"Seto…!" He kneeled next to my body, and carefully lifted my head onto his lap.

How ironic…The roles are switched…

I remembered the nights after my body had gotten used to the beatings, the nights that I was able to sleep with Mokuba. To comfort him…He would always place his head on my lap and fall asleep.  
I would sleep sitting upright on those nights…But watching my brother sleep peacefully on my lap was enough for me. He admitted to me once…That he never slept peacefully without me with him.  
I wonder if that's still true…? Does he still need me?  
I felt his hands run through my hair, my eyes opened.

"…Mokuba…" My arms wrapped themselves around my brother's small waist. "…Do you still need me?"

"…Nii-San…Yami was right, you are acting different than normal…" Mokuba continued to run his fingers through my hair.   
He was the older brother at this moment…I could do nothing but fall apart. "But…Of course I need you Seto…Ai shiteru…" I felt his lips touch the top of my forehead.

(AI SHITERU = I love you. In Japan, this is rarely used. It is only used when the person is completely serious. ; DAI SUKI = I like you.)

I released my arms from his waist and pushed myself to my feet. My body still felt weak…  
He stood up with me, he looked into my eyes. I could see fear in his eyes…He was frightened of me.  
Mokuba looked at me with the same eyes he had looked at Gozaburo.

"Mokuba…" I touched his face with my hand, my fingers grazed his cheek. "Ai shiteru…Gomen nasai…I've scared you over these past eight years…"

He closed his eyes and quickly grabbed a hold of my waist tightly.

"N-Nii-san…!" He tightened his grip. "Nii-San you're an idiot!" I waited for him to continue…Tears rolled down his face and onto the thin black shirt I was wearing…I placed my hand on his head and held him closer. "…You can never frighten me Seto…Ai shiteru, I can't say it enough!"

…He's still such child. I thought, I felt a small smile come to my face. But that's OK. I enjoy…Taking care of Mokuba. He still needs me, and I will always need him.  
I released his hands from my waist, and kneeled down. His face was level to mine now.  
It hurt me to know I had to think about kissing my only brother.  
I shouldn't have to think about it…  
I wrapped his arms around my neck and picked him up into my arms like I used to when he was a smaller child.

"…Seto Nii-San." He held onto my neck tighter, I felt his breath against my collarbone. I sent him a glance to let him know that I was listening. He didn't speak again until I had sat down in the office chair, I continued to move him until he was in the position he had always liked when we were younger.

He seemed to remember…For a minute I thought we were remembering the same memory…  
It was one of the days following Gozaburo's death. The Kaiba Corporation seemed to be going under at that point. Paperwork was stacked all over the place, I felt like I was going to break under all of the responsibility and power that was thrust upon on me.  
I was only eight years old…I may have been knowledgeable but I was still only a child.  
Gozaburo had died only a few days before and had left many things to be done…It overwhelmed me.  
I had been so blinded by work that week I hadn't seen Mokuba at all. I could barely remember anything but the things Gozaburo had taught me.  
I remember feeling so consumed in work, my head was pounding and throbbing with every paper I read and signed. No one had disturbed me all day, I suppose that's why I didn't hear the clicking of the door as my brother opened it.

"Nii-San…" I hadn't heard him; I felt the touch of his small hand against my shoulder. At his touch I dropped the pen in my hand; it clattered on the wooden desk. My hand remained in a position as if it was still clenched tightly around the pen. "…It's OK. You don't need to over-work yourself anymore." I leaned back in the seat that was still too large for me and brought my legs onto the chair.

I seemed to be in a trance, I was so used to the pen in my hand.

Mokuba crawled onto the chair with me; he took my hands and wrapped my left arm around his neck and my right around his waist. He situated himself on my lap; sitting against my left leg. He leaned against my shoulder and wrapped his arms around my neck.

"Seto…Ai shiteru…"

I took a deep breath, when my eyes opened it was dusk. The orange tint of the sun spilled over the furniture in the office; the shadows were darker than they were when Mokuba had first entered.  
I looked down; my brother was still in my arms. He was snoring softly, his small chest moving up and down with every breath.  
…Was he always this tall? He grew…How could I not have noticed?  
I felt another pain of guilt and regret. How many birthdays of his had I missed because of work?  
How many of Yami's had I missed? How much of my life had I been missing out on?  
My childhood was stolen from me once our parents died. I ran my fingers through Mokuba's hair as I remembered the night.  
We were so young…I was only five at the time…Mokuba was two.

"…You don't even remember do you?" I whispered, my eyes gazed out of the window as I turned the chair around. "But that's for the best…That memory…Is one I don't want to share with you."

I don't remember where we were going…But the accident is all too clear in my mind. The fire. The smoke. The blood. The damage…  
It was around sunset, I remember Mokuba sitting next to me. His small hand was wrapped tightly around my fingers. Within moments of the accident he had fallen asleep.  
I remember looking over to him and hearing mother's voice…

"Your brother really loves you Seto, you two are too cute together!" She had looked back between the seats. Her long black hair had fallen over her shoulders. And her blue eyes looked lovingly at her two sons.  
My father was driving, he begun laughing. "We know Mokuba will grow up well with Seto watching over him." Our fathers long brown bangs fell over his eye, he flipped it behind his ear.

Our mother continued her laugh.

I remember it sounded like angel's…Her laugh has always stayed with me.  
I always wonder if Mokuba remembers it…  
I remember closing my eyes and smiling as I felt myself drift off to sleep. I was only on the edge of sleep…I could hear what was going on around me. My parent's voices echoed in my head while I slipped deeper and deeper into my sleep.  
The last thing I remember hearing were screams…And crying…Mokuba crying next to me.  
My eyes shot open, I couldn't see what was in front of us. I felt heat…Fire.  
I shut my eyes again, it happened so fast.

The sound of crashing metal, bending and twisting in ways it wasn't meant to. Screeching, the tires on the road slid against each other. The car jolted forward. I opened my eyes again in time to see a tire bounce off in the distance.  
Mokuba continued to cry, his shrills were the only sound in the air.

I thought it was over…For a minute I couldn't even hear Mokuba's cries. It was silent.

It was an eerie silence. My parents remained in the front seats. Stunned.  
Something wasn't right…  
A jolt from the back of the car, the car flew into the air. The backseat where Mokuba and I sat was now straight in the air. I could see the nose of the car become pressed against the pavement.  
More screaming…More crying.  
I didn't waste another moment…I was terrified for my family's life. But…We were going to get out.  
At least…I thought that…I was telling myself that…  
My eyes stared towards Mokuba, his face was red…He was screaming at the top of his lungs. I took him from the car seat that protected him.

Facing forward was not the best move…

I wrapped my arms around him tightly and turned around with hard effort against the tight seatbelt. I protected Mokuba with my arms and legs.  
I refused to let anything hurt him…His small hands held onto my shirt, his knuckles turned white.  
I couldn't hear my parents anymore…I wasn't sure if they were in shock or if they had died.  
I didn't want to think about that now…I could only hope they were still alive…  
Within seconds of getting into the protective position I had on Mokuba the car got hit again. We landed on the top of the car, the seatbelt snapped as Mokuba and I slammed against my mother's front seat.  
We were lying on the ceiling…  
My eyes were closed, my mouth shut tight, and my grip on Mokuba was tighter than it ever had been.  
I caught my breath and coughed…Smoke filled the air. When I opened my eyes it burned, my eyes began to water in irritation.

I made sure to keep Mokuba's nose covered lightly, my lungs could handle the smoke…At least for the time being. I was thankful for the seat belt breaking; it gave me more leverage to crawl out of the car through the window.  
Within minutes of hard struggle, I had crawled out of the car with Mokuba in my arms. I could feel the glass shards in my back…I could feel the blood drip slowly.

Mokuba had stopped crying…He knew something bad had happened…But he also knew the hazards if he opened his mouth and breathed in the black air.  
I stared at the car wreck before me…The car was on fire…The fire was spreading quickly…  
I watched in horror as the bodies of our parents began to burn…  
As I remembered the painful memory, the sun was setting.  
It set off the same off-color in the room as it had in the car that day…  
My chest began to hurt; it had been awhile since I had remembered my real parents…It hurt too much to think about them.   
I closed my eyes and tried to will the pain away. I hadn't noticed the feeling of a small hand on my cheek before I opened my eyes again.

Mokuba…

"Nii-San…You have that look again…" That look? I wasn't sure what he meant…I tried to soften my eyes.

"…Mokuba?"

"You look like you're about to cry…But you never do…" His eyes looked over mine, I wanted to face away from his worried face…But I couldn't.

The sharp pain in my chest began to spread, my eyes began to sting.  
I closed my eyes again tightly.

"Why would I cry Mokuba? Everything's fine."

When I'm not alone…

I took my hand and placed it to his cheek, my fingers cupped around his face before I lead them through his black hair. I could feel the exterior I had up begin to break down. My eyes stung again.

"Seto…" He wrapped his arm around my neck; his scent filled my nose as he nuzzled my neck. He always would be this way when he was younger…It would always calm me when I was in turmoil.  
He actions taught me he still needed me…And he was still a child.  
A child I needed to protect…

"You look a lot like our mother Mokuba…" I rested my hand on the back of his head, I felt him relax in my arms. "…And you smell a lot like her too." My head tilted to the right where his head lay against my shoulder. I inhaled his scent and felt the warmth of my mother's embrace…

So long…Why is it I haven't realized? Why haven't I realized Mokuba is the image of our mother? And I am the image of our father?

He leaned back and stared into my eyes, "Is that…Is it painful Seto…?" I smiled; a relieved yet worried expression covered my eyes. I couldn't hide the emotion.

"…No. It's…Reassuring." I put my hand to his cheek and placed my forehead on his. I closed my eyes and sighed. "Both mother and father's image will go on…In you and me."   
For once…I didn't have to think about kissing my brother, my lips connected to his forehead. He was surprised, but at the same time I could feel his body loosen.  
His lips curled upwards when I pulled away from the kiss. A small blush appeared over his cheeks.

"You're blushing?" I chuckled, he looked so cute. So child-like.

"…I've missed you Seto, ai shiteru." He smiled, I couldn't help but return his smile…Even if I knew once he left it would all go downhill again…Even if I knew once he left the safety of my arms I would continue to slip deeper and deeper into my own depression.

"Ai shiteru…"


	4. A Found Self-Medication

It wasn't long before Mokuba had to leave and the depression set in again.  
I was trying to prepare myself for it…It wasn't as if I could hold Mokuba in my arms forever…And it wasn't like I could call Yami…

Would he even come…? He acts worried when he's here…When we're alone together. But when he's with friends…

I glanced over the paper work in front of me.

Why am I still here? Working over these papers…I should be out with Yami. Or with Mokuba…Or with them both…Didn't I just find out that I had been neglecting Mokuba these past eight years just for this damned company that I didn't even want? So why am I still slaving over these papers that make no sense to me at all?  
I don't give a damn about this company…  
Ugh…That's not true…I do care about it…For Mokuba's sake…  
If I were to drop the company now, those eight years would all be for nothing. Mokuba and I would be out on the streets again…Without this company our home is gone...We can't afford this mansion without it.  
And even if we could…This mansion was made for the heir…For the owner of the Kaiba Corporation…If I were to give up the position…  
I know they would try to keep me. The company would die out if there were no Kaiba's to run it…They'd probably turn to Mokuba…  
I would never wish this hell on him…  
I heard the soft sound of a knock on the office door.  
It seems like I'm spending all my time in here…How long?

"…Come in." A familiar scent drifted into my nose as I returned to the work I had refused to do. I couldn't look up, I refused to…Why?

I want to see him…I've wanted to see him…I want to hold him…I want to be held by him…  
Footsteps on the hardwood floor; they stopped at the front of my desk. I could see his clothing through the corner of my eye…My heart begged me to look up and see his face…  
But my mind refused.  
He hesitated before speaking…

"Kaiba…You're still working…Maybe I should come back?" I stood from my desk, my head still pointing downward…Refusing to look into his eyes.   
The chair rolled across the hardwood floor easily as I stood.

"…I'll come back…Seto…" His footsteps moved slowly…Hesitantly against the floor. "…Gomen nasai…"  
My hands balled into tight fists…I wanted to stop him…I want to stop him.  
Why can't I? The burning sensation in my eyes…Why won't I run to him? Why can't I run into his arms…?  
I heard the door shut quietly behind him. Small footsteps ran outside in the hallway…A conversation…

"…Was he working?"   
Mokuba…He wanted to give me time with Yami…?

"Yeah, he…Only stood from his desk…He looked angry so I…Said I'd come back later…"

"Oh…He wasn't working…When I left so I thought maybe he had taken a break…But he was angry?" I could hear the worry in Mokuba's voice, did he think he did something wrong?

"I only assumed Mokuba…I'm sure if he was, it was because I barged in on him. I know…I should know by now that when he's working I shouldn't intrude." Yami slumped against the doors to my office.

No…That's wrong! Yami you don't intrude….You can't intrude on my life no matter what I'm doing…

"Yami! That's…Stupid. Nii-San loves you…I know he does…H-He's become a lot softer since he met you…"

I couldn't let this go on any longer…I couldn't let the lies continue. I needed to hold Yami…I needed to tell him it was OK, I was going to be OK…Even if the truth was I wasn't…  
I pushed the chair out of my way; it slammed against the glass. Cracking it…I didn't care.  
I needed to give Yami the assurance that he needed right now, he needed to know we were OK...And that we were going to be fine…  
The conversation outside the door was only echoes in my ear now,  
I could only focus on Yami.  
He was here. I could hold him, kiss him. I could get rid of the pain that surfaced now even more…  
My hand held onto the door knob…Even tightened around it.  
So why couldn't I pull it?  
…Why can't I force myself? I WANT to see him! Why won't my body respond?! I need to hold him…I NEED him…  
My hand slipped off the knob as I fell to my knees. Again my hands held my head, I tried to hold onto the sanity I had left…If I had any left…My eyes burned as I shut them tightly.  
I refuse…I CANNOT cry…I won't! It's against…All that I've learned…  
My body shook. I couldn't control it…My hands were first, my arms, my shoulders…  
My head was pounding…I felt…The world crash around me. The weight of the world was on my shoulders…I couldn't stop it.  
I tried to will it away…I wanted to will it away…I wanted someone…I want Yami…I wanted his arms around me, his lips against my skin. It was the only comfort I had…But I was pushing away the comfort…Why?

I could only think why…Why? Why?!  
Why did I end up this way?  
Why did I ignore Mokuba for the past eight years?  
Why do I ignore the feelings I have for Yami?  
Why am I afraid to love someone…Who may leave me?  
Why…Why…Why…  
Then the thoughts of how…  
How could I have hurt Mokuba?  
How could I have hurt Yami?  
How can I LIVE with myself…?  
How can I balance work and family…Feelings...  
How can I balance them without forgetting one?  
And if I can't…How can I figure out what one to give up?

They can't live without the other…  
I can't control them…All these thoughts…These questions…

Will they ever end?

MAKE THEM STOP…Please…God…

If there is a God…Is there a God? Would I even believe in him if there was?  
I didn't know how to deal with the thoughts in my head, I felt insane…I was going crazy…  
I began to hold myself in my arms; rocking myself back and forth on the hardwood floor. I need something…A relief from this feeling…I needed to let out all the bad blood…All of the Kaiba blood…The Gozaburo Kaiba blood…The thoughts…The blood he had forced upon me.

I stood up. Knowing now what I had to do…No…Not what I had to do…  
What I want to do…What I wanted so much to do…  
I stood from the position I sat on the floor. When I knew…When the thought was in my head I was able to move again…Everything had become clear…But the moment I thought otherwise…I began shaking.

There was no other option…

But did I want there to be? For years…Ever since Mokuba and I's parents passed…I wanted something I could call my own, I wanted something that I could take at will.  
Could that something be my own life?  
I could take it at will…I could harm myself and get rid of the pain…Get rid of my life bit by bit.  
But did I want that? Did I want to leave Mokuba…? To leave Yami…?  
No…No…I didn't…I didn't want to leave them…I loved them with all my heart…  
But what am I doing now?  
I'm leaving them now…!  
I'm living and I'm leaving them now…! How? Why can't I…?  
Again my head began to spin with questions that were always left unanswered…  
If I die…If I harm myself bit by bit…Take my life away bit by bit…I can be with them until the day I take my life fully…But the time I share with them now…It would be precious…Happy…

Do I deserve to be happy?

No…But Yami…Yami and Mokuba do…And if I need to be here for their happiness…Then I will, even if it is only for a short time…

I had decided on no other option…And I knew I didn't want any other option.  
I wanted it this way. I always wanted to end up punishing myself.  
I wanted to harm myself for the things I had let happen…The situations I let control my life.  
Slowly I walked over to the wooden desk…I had made up my mind.

The only thing I had to do now was find something to do it with. I knew I had scissors…But were they sharp enough?  
I didn't think so…They would cut…That was certain.  
The wounds would bleed…But would it be enough? Would it be enough to satisfy the need…The craving I feel?  
I wasn't sure…I glanced over the blades of the scissors I retrieved from the desk. My fingers touched the blades…I felt…Pleasure.

Pleasure…? That's not right…This shouldn't give me pleasure…Shouldn't be my relief. But it does…? Or it would. If just touching these blades gives me the rush…What would dragging it across my skin?

I tested…I had nothing to lose.

Nothing but my life.

That meant nothing to me right now…Why didn't it? It should mean something. Even if it was a tiny bit. But for me…It meant nothing. Why didn't I care if I was dead or alive? That's not normal…I'm not normal…I'm diseased.  
I slid the blade across my skin…It didn't cut. I didn't mean for it to...But the rush I felt just gently gliding it across my skin? It was incomparable. Nothing came close to that feeling. I tried to find something that gave me the same rush…The same satisfaction. Yami's kiss…His touch…Not even that came close to this feeling. This feeling of need. Of want. I thought of the times Yami and I had gotten close to sealing our relationship with love…Not even that feeling came close. Was I lusting after this metallic object in my hand? Yes…I wanted it across my skin; I wanted the feeling of the scissors slicing through my flesh and into my muscles…

I must be sick…I'm getting excited over THIS? I'm sadistic…Twisted…Insane…

I couldn't deny the feeling any longer. My hand moved on its own, dragging the blades of the scissors across my skin with brute force. For a moment I thought I heard the slice…The cut through my skin.

I smiled…That sadistic smile…

I couldn't help it…The corners of my mouth raised…

I must look just like him…Gozaburo…With that sadistic, evil smile. But I'm different…He caused pain to OTHERS. I don't need to do that, I don't WANT to do that…I want to cause the pain to myself…And I'm loving every minute of it…Getting excited…It's like a high.

Am I addicted already? One time and I'm in love?  
I suppose that's how drugs work…Is self-harm like drugs?

Each different self harm has a different effect? If that's true…Than cutting must be the heroin of self-harm…

I stayed in my stupor for awhile…I had lost track of the time. The blade dropped from my hand and onto the hard wood floor. It dropped with a *clack*. I felt the blood drip down my arm. Blip…Blip…  
It fell to the floor.  
I was still smiling…Laughing now.  
I loved it. I enjoyed it. I wanted it more. It had me craving someone…I wanted Yami. For the first time…I had wanted him physically. I wanted all of him.  
Is that wrong? No…Wanting him isn't wrong…It's good. I'm improving, right? But the precautions I'm taking to want him? Those are wrong. So very wrong…But I loved every minute of it.  
How was I going to hide this?   
I glanced to my wrist. It was worse than I had thought. But I loved it. I wanted it again…And again…  
I picked the scissors up off the floor. The blades were covered in my blood.  
Why do I love this? Why at first glance do I fall madly in love with this red color? This feeling…  
I didn't wait…Didn't hesitate this time. I simply cut. My other wrist took the beating. It felt better as the other one stung in pain. It gave me balance. Pain on one end…Pleasure on the other.  
Pain first…Pleasure second.

Mm…Love.

A knock. Another knock. Silence. I was in my trance. My love-affair with the blood that trickled down my arms, with the slashes across my wrist and this was just the first cut!

Would it be this good the second time? The third?

Or would it be like drugs…Would I need to find other ways to harm myself in order to get this high?  
This excitement? This love?  
I decided it didn't matter…I would do anything for this feeling.  
For this relief…

~~~

How long was I out…? I wasn't sure. I woke up in the darkness of my office. When I moved my wrists, it pained. The day's events came flushing back into my mind.  
I took a deep breath, let the air fill my lungs. It tasted…Smelled like blood. My head swooned.   
How much blood did I lose?

I stood, or tried. Swooned again. Light-headedness filled my brain once I stood.

A lot…? From scissors? Ah…My new friend. My new love.  
I still had the scissors in my hand; the blades were hard…Crusted over. My blood had dried and I felt no need to wash them off. I placed them back into the drawer I had taken them from; locking it securely.  
If anyone were to find you…I'd for surely be without you for quite a while.  
Was I talking to an object? It seemed so…Even with the relief I was still losing my mind.  
But my mind felt clear, for once no questions were rattling around…  
I turned on the light.  
My eyes adjusted slowly…I glanced around the room, at the floor. The area around me was covered in blood. I couldn't help but smile…At least I had a bathroom connecting to the office.  
I could clean up the room and myself before I went back to my room for a real night's sleep.  
It had been two days since I even lied in that bed…And that was with Yami.  
Is he there now? God I hope so…I'd like to hold him and tell him I'm OK now. We're OK. He's OK. I wanted to tell him everything I had planned today.

With him in mine I quickly cleaned up…Taking time to get a real shower rather than just washing my wrists. After a day's work of paperwork…Yami wouldn't think it was odd if I got a shower alone, right?  
Ha…What am I thinking? We never showered together…And…  
I glanced down at my wrists as the hot water fell over them.

Now it's quite impossible.

It only took me moments to get dressed…Usually…I slept without a shirt.  
But I really had no choice in the matter now, and wearing a shirt to bed when Yami is around was a simple price to pay for the feeling I had gotten when I slid the scissors across my wrist.  
As I walked from the office bathroom to my bedroom, I slipped a button up shirt over my shoulders.  
I kept the buttons unbuttoned. Yami would only unbutton them anyway…And it was much more comfortable than feeling the buttons against my chest.

I reached my room as I was finishing up my sleeves, the door was slightly open.  
Yami must already be there…Is he sleeping?  
I walked in, the room was dark…But moonlight lit the bed. A small lump in the sheets moved at the sound of the door opening. It stretched and sat up in the bed.  
Yami's scent filled the room…Along with my own. But it was his scent that made me smile.  
Knowing he was still here, knowing that I still had the chance to hold him in my arms and kiss him…Knowing that I still had a chance to tell him I love him through my own lips and not my brothers.

"Seto…?" I heard him whisper my name; I let out a breath…

"…Yes, Yami?"

My feet walked towards him. I shut the door quietly…Waiting for his voice to enter my ears again. He spoke when I reached the bed again, my hand gripped his face lovingly.

"You're here…You're really here…" His arms outstretched towards me…I crawled into the sheets he was under. Our legs intertwined immediately. "Anata ga inaito sabishii desu..."

(ANATA GA INAITO SABISHII DESU = I'm Lonely Without You…There is no direct translation of "I missed you." Or "I've   
missed you." In Japanese. So I chose this. Also…   
KIMI GA INIA NODE SABISHII = A supposedly closer definition to "I Miss You.")

His arms wrapped around my neck as his body molded to mine.  
I patted his hair as I whispered, "I'm here now…" He seemed to sigh in relief. "Gomenasai…For earlier today. I was not angry with you…Only frustrated with myself." Another sigh in relief.  
He seemed content…Although he hadn't said a thing.

"What are you thinking?" He asked after a long pause. I could not see his eyes…But I felt a gaze. His gaze, his eyes were staring at me. Begging me to tell the truth.

Should I? Should I tell him I'm wondering what he is thinking? And wondering if this is the right moment to utter those words Mokuba and I have only just recently restated after years and years of containment?

"…I'm thinking…Ai shiteru." I whispered. My lips touched his forehead. Just as I had done with Mokuba. Believe me Yami…Believe me…I'm begging you.

I had satisfied the need to harm myself…So why am I still so worried about rejection?

Rejection…

The word echoed through my mind…Yami's voice brought me back to my so-called reality.

"…Ai shiteru? You…Love me…Seto?" He said it in disbelief…But the tone…He believed me.

"More than anything." I touched my nose to his and smiled. My arms wrapped around his waist and tightened. "Believe   
me?" My lips touched his lightly. I could feel his cheeks get hot…Whether in embarrassment or pleasure I was not sure.

"O-Of course! I just…Didn't expect you to…"

"Say it?" I finished, I felt his head nod in agreement. "…Well I'm changed for the time being. Ai shiteru, Yami. I'll say it as much as you'd like."

"…Really?"

"Hai." I agreed. I kissed him once more to show him I was completely serious…For the time being he had me completely in his hands. I would do anything for him. "I would do anything for you Yami. At this moment…What shall we do?"

(HAI = Yes.)

He paused…I waited patiently. Running my fingers through his silk like hair, kissing his forehead, cheeks, and neck…  
With every kiss he shivered. His grip tightened on me. I had a feeling I knew what was on his mind…He only refused to say it.

"…Seto…You said…You'd do anything, right?" His waist lifted to my navel. My grip on him hadn't loosened. I could feel him against me…I had the feeling of power again…

Did I want that feeling? No…I wanted to get away from the feeling…Why…Why?  
The questions began again. I forced them away…

"Hai…What is it you want?" I kept one arm wrapped around his waist, my other hand traveled up to his face. I caressed it in my hand as I kissed his forehead once more.

"I want…To sleep with you…It's been so long since you've held me…I-I want to be held by you all night…And I don't want you to leave in the morning before I wake up…I want to wake up with you here Seto…B-Because ai shiteru…"

"Hm…" I placed my hand on his head and pulled him closer to my collarbone. "Then sleep…My one and only." I felt his breath on my neck. He was breathing in my scent. His grip tightened on me with each breath.

"Oyasumi…Sleep well Yami." I closed my eyes and listened to his steady breathing. Slowly…I fell asleep with Yami in my arms…and I in his.

Ai shiteru Yami…I can't say it enough…I can't live without you anymore…But you will have to live without me someday…Stay strong for me…

(OYASUMI = Good night.)


	5. A Vulnerable State

…My eyes opened to the morning light making its way through my bedroom window.  
I was small…A child.  
I was alone again…The bed was cold. Freezing even. I shivered.  
My arms wrapped around myself as I tried to warm my body. I hunched over in the bed, curling my arms over my legs. My whole body shivered.  
My breath escaped my mouth in short fast bursts.  
I tried to move my hands against my skin, trying to create friction…My hands shook too much. I couldn't catch a grip.  
When I thought…This was the end…A pair of arms wrapped themselves around me. They held me tight.  
They were warm. So cold…I had no choice but to mold myself around them as I tried to mix their warmth with my body.  
They tightened around me. Too tight…  
The hands moved along my small body, they straightened me out until I was lined up against the owner.  
An arm around my waist and an arm around my chest; the thick hand gripped my neck, I struggled to breathe.  
My hands gripped at the hand that held my throat in its grasp.  
A laugh…My eyes widened, then shut tightly.

"You need to be taught a lesson…" His voice.

No…No…No…

Stop…Please…

My eyes were closed tightly…  
I tried to open them; I tried to get away from the nightmare…But I couldn't respond.  
Don't leave me in the night, Yami wake me up…Wake me.  
I open my eyes in the nightmare.  
…His grip tightened on me. It made it harder to breathe…I took one last breath.  
A hand touched my face. It was soft…Another hand on my other cheek.  
They held my face in their hands.  
A light touch to my forehead, lips?

A soft kiss…

They held my hands, our fingers intertwined.

"…I'll always be here, ai shiteru."   
Another kiss…His lips touched mine.

"Seto…Wake up." His thumbs rubbed my cheeks, a kiss to my forehead.  
My eyes shut tight again; they opened and blinked in the morning light.  
My gaze shifted to the boy in my arms.

Yami…

He was still asleep, lightly snoring against my chest. He nuzzled lightly against my chest; a blush appeared over his cheeks. I chuckled. My hand moved to his face; I held it lightly in my grip.  
I tilted his face up to mine and kissed his lips lightly, his lips curled up into a smile. His grip tightened on my neck as he nuzzled against my cheek.  
I moved my arms to his waist; wrapping them around him as I held him close.  
My eyes closed.

…I could lay here with you for all eternity…If only I could…If only we could be together forever. But…  
My thoughts trickled to the pain I had only just realized in my wrists, holding him hurt. I could feel blood begin to emit from the cuts again…But I wasn't smiling…I wasn't happy.  
The feeling I had had the night before was gone, I felt regret…Guilt, even? I glanced towards Yami.  
Is it because of you? Is it because I know what I'm doing, even though I've only done it one night, will eventually kill me? One day I won't be able to stop the blood…Is it because I feel guilty leaving you? I'll regret leaving you…And leaving Mokuba…Would my decisions have you do the same?

Would you harm yourself because of me?

Would you kill yourself because of me?

But you both would have no reason to…I'm only doing this so I can be with you…  
I'm doing this so I can forget my past and live with you in the present…Both of you.  
A quiet knock on my door entered my thoughts. The door creaked as it opened slightly as I opened my eyes. My back was turned to the door…Giving the impression I was asleep.

"…Mr. Kaiba? I…Hate to interrupt…" My secretary; her voice echoed in my ears like an oncoming headache.  
I sighed, "Wait outside the door for me, I'll be out." She didn't answer; why I kept her around at all was somewhat a mystery to me. Then I began to remember that despite all of her annoying qualities she's the only secretary that hadn't quit on me due to the things I ask.

I moved my hands to Yami's wrists; I easily took his arms from my neck and place them on the pillow where I had been.  
As I slid out of the bed I glanced towards Yami. He was still sleeping soundly as if I was still next to him.  
The thought of the night before…The promise I made to him reflected in my mind.

"…And I don't want you to leave in the morning before I wake up…I want to wake up with you here Seto…"

I placed my hand on his.

Don't wake up…Until I get back…

Reluctantly I stood from the bed and stepped outside the door; I closed it quietly behind me. When I turned around my secretary was standing close enough to touch.

"…What is it? I thought…I'd ask you not to disturb me while I'm sleeping." I slowly inched away from the door and towards the middle of the hallway away from her.  
She smiled.

I stared at her with an expressionless face. "What?" I repeated.  
She stepped towards me; I took a step backwards so we were an equal length apart.

"You have a lot of work to do today Seto, and you woke up late…I didn't want you to get behind, for the companies sake." She was carrying a clipboard like always; papers filled the gap between her body and the thin board. "These papers…" She gestured towards the ones in her hand. "Need to be signed."

"Refrain from calling me by my first name, people will begin to think you're more than a secretary to me…And you know my instructions for work before I'm awake." I stated.

"I know, but you never specified what to do with important papers…For the company's sake I decided to wake you." She smirked lightly as she walked closer to me, I backed up again the equal length.

"Is there any reason you need to be that close?"   
If Yami were to wake up and walk out of that room…And if he were to see her close enough to touch me, I could lose him…  
I could feel the emotionless mask begin to crack as I thought about Yami leaving; I began to fall into my thoughts again. I felt a hand to my face; lips to my cheek.

W-What…?

I looked to my side; she smirked before taking my face in her hands and placing her lips on mine. Her hands moved to my chest as mine moved to her shoulders. She removed her lips and looked into my eyes. The emotionless mask had returned…Despite the realization that I was breaking apart inside…  
I pushed her away lightly. My hands were still tightened around her shoulders.  
I could control the mask on my face, but not the anger that showed through my actions.

…How could I let that happen?! How could I…

My mind swirled, I felt light-headed. The mask began to break again…

"L-Leave…Now." I began, "…And never. Come back here. Y-You're fired." As the mask began to break, my lip quivered in fear and anger; I released her shoulders from my tight grip…I wasn't sure how long she stood there, I blacked out again…  
My mind swirled, over and over the image flashed through my head.  
My lips against hers…How could I do such a thing? No. How could I allow such a thing to happen?

Would Yami believe me if I told him my guard was down…? He has to…It's the truth…What if he leaves?

If he leaves…

I could feel the air burn my throat as I took it in deep gulps; no matter how much air I breathed it felt like I was completely empty…Like my body was deprived of the air it craved.  
I held my throat with my hands.  
My body seemed to respond without commands…My hands held my throat tighter. My eyes closed tightly, I could feel water begin to fall from my eyes.  
Can't…I can't…Cry…  
Even my thoughts were gasping for air…My head swooned, a muffled thud…Had I hit the floor? I tried to open my eyes; my body refused to respond. I bit my lip as the tears fell from my eyes. The taste of blood filled my mouth; the liquid slid down my lips…  
I pulled my legs to my chest; my body shook, I held it in my arms.  
Please…Make it stop…Make it stop…Stop…  
My grip on my body tightened; I was holding onto my sanity again. I felt my tears run down my cheeks…They were faster. The blood on my lip poured down my chin.  
Hands touched my face, warmth against the cold.

The hands lifted me into a sitting position; my legs were still pressed against my chest…I couldn't stop the tears or the blood from pouring down my face.

I was pressed against cloth, small arms wound around me…Pushed me back. They gripped at the hands that were still tightly wrapped around my throat…I opened my eyes…

Yami…

My hands loosened…He threw them aside and pulled me to his chest. His arms were wrapped around me tightly.

"Seto…Come back to me. Come to your senses! I'll never leave…I won't…! No matter what!" His voice filled my ears, I closed my eyes again…I could breathe again. My throat ached in pain.  
Both from the burns and the grip…  
I leaned into his arms; it took all the strength I had to wrap my arms around him…I heard his sigh in my ear. He was whispering something…What was he whispering? I tried to focus on his words…They were muffled, but somewhat coherent.

"Don't leave…Don't leave…Don't leave…"  
My throat burned as I tried to speak, I swallowed what I could to moisten my dry throat. "…..I…W-Won't…Ever…..L-Leave…You….." The words were raspy and barely coherent…But I heard Yami's shy laugh in my ear before I gave in to the darkness…


	6. The Laugh He's Been Dying To Hear

I tightened my eyes and shivered. What I thought were my arms were wrapped tightly around me, I was pressed against a soft warm surface. My hands gripped at silk fabric.  
I took in a breath, the air was sweet…Calming even. I loosened the tightness of my eyes and slowly opened them. It was dark again, the moonlight shown through the curtains of my bedroom window.  
I pushed lightly away from the soft surface that held me; my vision was blurred and my head was pounding at its temples.  
My legs moved to the side of the bed as I pushed myself forward. Wobbled slightly; my legs felt numb…  
I placed my hand to my head as I tried to focus; my vision was still slightly blurred while I walked to the private bathroom in the corner of the room.

I can't remember a thing…

I held my head with my fingers as I massaged my temples. I opened the door and lightly shut it behind me; the small light was already on. It lit the room slightly…Giving the room a fairly off-white color. My hand reached for the light on the wall, I closed my eyes again as the bright fluorescent light flooded the room.  
When my eyes adjusted to the light I opened them slightly and then closed them again as I approached the mirror; I placed my hand to my eyes and rubbed lightly.  
I tried to remove the blurred images so I could see myself reflection in the mirror clearly.  
I took a deep breath as I opened my eyes and looked at the reflection that was looking back at me.

My eyes were red and bloodshot. When I closed them I felt pain…They were swollen like I had been crying all night.

Crying…

A dream flashed through my mind, I was lying on the floor. Tears were falling from my eyes; blood was pouring from my lips…

I looked back into the mirror and touched my bottom lip. I winced. I quickly pulled my hand back…A small drop of blood fell from my finger to the white sink.  
It wasn't a dream…It was all real…  
My eyes widened as I remembered what I had let happen. My fingers touched my lips again; I ignored the pain that radiated through my lips.

I kissed her…I cheated…I…

I couldn't look at myself in the mirror; I refused to. When I saw the face looking back at me…Despite the look of regret, of loss, of depression…It made me sick. I closed my eyes tightly.  
The pain hadn't subsided. A new burning sensation filled my eyes as I felt the warmness of tears begin to appear. I pushed my body up against the tile wall of the bathroom…My shoulders began to hurt.  
How hard had I forced myself up against these walls? Was it enough…

Yami…Was he still here? Did he know? Did he stay?

…Of course he's here…I was lying next to him, wasn't I? Or…Was that Mokuba? I can't remember…  
I ignored the burning feeling in my eyes as I pushed open the bathroom door and walked to the bed; I let the tears roll down my cheeks. They burned against my face.  
Yami was still lying in the bed, he was snoring softly…But his eyes were just as swollen as mine.  
Had he been crying?

I blocked the image from my mind; I couldn't bear it…To see his face so sad…  
I couldn't control my body again as I quickly moved towards him; my arms wrapped around his small frame as I placed my face to his chest. My grip on him tightened almost as soon as I had my arms around him. I curled my body as close as I could to his. When I held him…The tears fell from my face faster…  
I couldn't control my actions or my emotions like I usually could.  
I felt his body twitch under my touch as he woke up. His arms wrapped around me again…He placed his face in my hair and inhaled.

"…Seto? What's wrong?" I felt his hands move against my back, it wasn't until I caught my breath that I had noticed I was sobbing. I could barely hear his voice against my own; he placed his hand on the bottom of my chin and lifted my face to his. "It's about…This morning isn't it…?"  
His eyes weren't what I expected them to be; they were…Understanding and calm. Despite that I couldn't stop another sob from escaping my lips, my back heaved as I tried to catch my breath. Yami placed his face to my hair again; his grip on me tightened.

…How had he known? Did I tell him…?

"You don't remember anything do you?" His lips touched my forehead; I tried to hold in the sobs. "I already know…You told me this morning. And I understand. It wasn't your fault. It's OK." He took my face in his hands and kissed my lips…

"Seto…" His lips touched mine again, "Stop crying…OK?" He nuzzled his nose against my cheek.  
At his voice I began to calm down.  
I could feel my breath return to my lungs as my eyes began to dry. I held onto him tighter has he continued. "If you absolutely need forgiveness…Then I forgive you. But…You don't need forgiveness. It wasn't your fault. Even you…The mighty Seto Kaiba can't be on your guard all the time." His sweet laugh entered my ear.

I smiled, I felt a laugh begin in my throat.

"And…It's OK to laugh." He took my face in his hands again and brought me to his eye level, "At least…With me it is."

He kissed me again before placing his forehead to mine. The laugh I had been holding in was released through my lips as   
I moved my arms around his neck and placed my chin on his shoulder.  
His grip on me tightened; I felt his nose against my neck…Then to my ear.  
His voice was soft in my ear; it was only a silent whisper. But I could hear every word that left his lips clearly.

"…There's the laugh I have been dying to hear…Ever since I first saw your smile."


	7. If Today Were My Last Day

As my eyes fluttered open the next morning…I was alone again.  
My hands gripped at the now cold sheets.

…So he's been gone…Quite a while. I thought reluctantly. Is he sick of me? After last night…

It didn't take long for me to remember the night before…Or to be more accurate only a few hours ago.  
I should be ashamed…How could I let my guard down that much? I lost myself…I lost my mind in front of Yami. He's never…Seen a single tear fall from my eye before…How did he react so calmly? It must have been…A simple lie. I've lied enough…I should be able to recognize them by now.

So why didn't I recognize it last night?

How could he have stayed…Knowing I'm not the front that I appear to be? Does the real me…Frighten him?  
Wait…The REAL me?  
No…That's NOT the real me…THIS is. This hard shell of a person is the real me now…I can't…Be anyone else. Changing who I am now is mad. Frightening even…  
I closed my eyes tightly; my hands gripped at the sheets.  
I'm too afraid to change…I don't want to change…I can't change…  
I opened my eyes again and stared at the slightly visible bandages that wrapped themselves around my wrist. From what I could see…Some of the originally white bandage had turned a dark brown.  
I'll just…Have to make do with my self-medication…It at least…Calms me down…

How long had I been out?

I wondered as my eyes opened for the third time that day. It was mid afternoon…  
Was it even the same day? The way my sleep pattern had been severely altered left me to believe it wasn't. I forced my body to a sitting position, it ached as I moved. I rubbed my eyes lightly as I tried to ignore the urges of my body.  
How could I possibly need more sleep…? I placed my hand to my forehead, my head pounded in my ears. Are these…Effects of…?

My wrists caught my vision again, I sighed quietly.  
I'll get used to them if they are…For now, I'll just have to bear it.  
I placed my feet on the floor and stood up quickly. My head swirled again as I tried to maintain my balance…My legs felt numb; like I haven't been on them for days.  
I caught my balance and stood still for a few moments.  
My body shook lightly, the floor was freezing…But I suspected as much when I had a wooden floor installed. Even in the hotter months the floor was the coldest thing in this house.  
As the feeling returned to my legs I began to walk towards the closet.  
My eyes searched the professional clothes that lined the rack.

It was odd…How I didn't care much for my appearance in truth, but how I kept presentable for the sake of the company. None of the clothes were what I would normally wear…  
They were all suits and ties, dress pants and belts…

However, what would the others think if I had walked out of this room in anything but professional clothing?  
What I wear…Who I am…It's all for the sake of the company.  
So…Is everything for the sake of the company now? There is only one thing that's not…The relationships I have…Mokuba and Yami. They're not for the company are they?

I placed my hand on the open closet door, the wood was smooth. I closed my eyes as I tried to concentrate.

No…If everyone outside knew I was…With Yami. That would look bad on the company image. But do I care about that? I get frustrated at Yami…For not telling anyone but Yugi. But yet…I do the same. I've only told Mokuba…  
But I have a reason not to!! I only know…I only trust Mokuba with issues such as my personal life.  
If I had…Known other people…Would I tell them?

Or would I…Be ashamed…?

Would I be afraid of what they would think of me? Would I be afraid of what the others would think? The people who work under me…The workers I strike deals with. Would admitting to the world…That I was…Would that change anything?  
If I had the chance to openly admit that I was…

That I am…  
That I…  
That…

My eyes widened at the realization of what I couldn't say. I couldn't admit it. I couldn't admit what I was…What I am…  
I love Yami with everything I have, but I can't admit that I am the word…That describes me and him?  
I can't admit it…

I can't…

I fell to my knees again. I felt the pain rise up my body, I cringed. I brought my hands to my head again; my fingers gripped tightly as I tried to ease away the pain. I failed…The pain continued…The physical and emotional pain I had brought upon myself.

I felt an itch…My wrists twitched.

What…?

I looked at the falling bandages; they fell in swirls onto the hardwood floor. The cuts beneath them began to bleed again as I tightened my grip.  
The pressure was making them bleed again…It was breaking apart the blood that had dried…The bright red liquid traveled down my arm and onto the bandages on the floor.  
This isn't good. I need to go somewhere where I can lock myself…The bathroom…  
My hands reached for the bandages on the floor, I gripped them tightly in my hand as I darted to the bathroom I had been in more than several hours ago.  
The door slammed behind me, my hands shook as I tried to lock the door behind me.  
After minutes of trying, I managed to secure the lock.  
The bandages fell from my hand and onto the linoleum floor. I placed my back against the door; my hands found my throat again.

I need some way to control this…No one will know…If I die like this…

I forced my hands from my throat; they seemed to be moving on their own now as I searched for a way to cure the pain. I don't know…How long it took me to find the medicine cabinet…  
I knew it was here…I know what's in it…Why didn't I just go to it…?  
I gripped the knob on the small doors; as I contemplated whether to open it or simply find another way.  
I knew if I had…If I did…My body could pay the price…I could damage the internal system…  
But the pain…It was too much…  
I pulled the door open as it revealed the small brown bottles…Most were vitamins I hadn't taken in months…Maybe years…  
But sleeping pills also lined the cabinet. Stress relievers and even depression medication had been mixed within the cabinets small shelves.

I didn't think, I only grabbed what I knew were not vitamins and dumped several in my hand…  
They were blues, whites, and even an off-white…I had around eleven pills in my hand. I tried not to think, I knew as soon as I shoved these pills down my throat I would be OK. If only it was for the moment.  
I looked into the mirror; my eyes were red from the tears I hadn't known were there. My wrists were smeared with my bright red blood, they were inflated with infection…The edges were a dark red.

I gripped the pills in my hand as I brought them to my lips. One by one my fingers removed the shield they had created around the medication…

I could feel the small pills on my tongue, they tasted disgusting…

Like chalk…

As the last one touched my tongue I placed my hands to lips and gagged on their taste. My other hand reached for the knob on the sink; it turned in my grip.  
Before I could give it another thought I thrust my lips to the faucet. The cold water rushed down my aching throat, I could barely feel the pills as they traveled down into my body…

The only indication that they were gone was the taste in my mouth that had moved to my throat…

I turned the faucet off. The water dripped from my lips…  
Almost immediately the pain was gone; but a new pain surfaced….My headache was worse…  
My vision became blurred and my mouth was dry. My stomach churned with nausea; I kept my mouth over the sink.   
I gagged several times; convulsed nothing but air…It burned against my throat.

I fell to the floor…My back was against the wall as I looked up into the bathrooms luminescent light. It was all going black…  
The edges of my vision were black…I could see the rest of it becoming just as black…  
For the first time, I was frightened…Frightened for my life…  
I tried to rebel the process; I knew if I went under…I would never wake up again…  
I kept my eyes open as I watched my vision turned to black. I couldn't keep my eyes open; I convulsed several more times…Only air escaped my lips. It brought my body to the floor. My cheek slammed against the linoleum.  
I took several more breaths…Knowing they were probably my last…  
My hands gripped at nothing, I slowly closed my eyes. I felt a wave of sleep over take me as soon as everything went black. I couldn't hear…I couldn't see…I couldn't think…  
Once again…I gave myself over to the darkness that would take my life…


	8. Still Alive

A loud noise… Pounding…  
My head was pounding; but when wasn't it now?  
My hand slowly turned into a fist. My eyes clenched tightly together.  
My throat was dry; my lips were chapped and broken. My breath remained shallow.

I pushed my body off of the linoleum floor; heat filled my cheeks as I stood. My knees gave out underneath me and I fell to the floor once more.

My knees made a loud thud against the linoleum. I winced in pain at the shockwave.

My hands gripped the sink for balance as I tried once again to stand. My legs were still shaking and numb…But they at least held their ground.  
I took a few moments to look over myself in the mirror…I was again…A complete wreck.  
I wasn't sure…How long I had been out…

Was I in a coma? Or did I simply pass out? It feels like…I died…And came back…

My whole body ached; I knew I couldn't stand long enough to take a shower without support, my only option was to take a literal bath…Which I hadn't done since my parents had died…  
My knees shook underneath me; I knew there was no other way.  
Am I so against baths because it reminds me of them? I thought as I began to run the water, the knobs turned easily in my hands. I watched as the hot water began to fill the porcelain tub.  
As fast as I could manage, which wasn't fast at all, I removed the clothing that was sticking to my body.  
I got into the water and immediately collapsed; letting the water move around my body.  
Is it because…The last one I took was when they still…Used to wash me? I still remember the last bath I took…Maybe it's that memory I don't want to forget…

That memory so long ago…

We were mere children…Mokuba and I…  
It was the night before our parents died. The night before that horrible accident…I was up watching TV with father…Our mother had walked into the living room holding Mokuba.

"Hey, hey! Kaname!" Our mother was always the most enthusiastic; I later described her to Mokuba as being the life dad needed. "We haven't had a photo shoot with Seto and Mokuba in the bath yet have we?" She had walked over and sat between us; Mokuba had crawled onto my lap. I remember holding him tight and smiling...His small arms wrapped as far as they could around me.

"Yuuki…Do you really think they need a bathroom photo shoot?"

"Of course! They're too cute!! And besides…Every family has baby photo shoots in the tub." Our mother wrapped her arms around Mokuba and I, she pulled us into her grip and rubbed her cheek against my hair. Her lips touched my forehead and then Mokuba's. He laughed at our mother's touch…But he still held onto me. "Right? You guys want to have a bath photo shoot, right? Right???" She was smiling ear to ear, she lightly ruffled my hair as she waited for my answer.

"…If it would make you happy mother." I said looking towards Mokuba. "But no nudity."  
My parents both laughed, "And how do you know what nudity is Seto? You're only five." My father had asked, I remember smiling back at him lightly…And that was the end of the conversation…

My mother had picked us both up as she made her way to the upstairs bathroom.  
She had walked into the bathroom and began the bath water; our father was looking around for the camera as we waited.

"I'm going to go help your father; it's obvious he doesn't know where the camera is. Seto…You know how to work the tub right?" I nodded as Mokuba held onto my leg from the bathroom floor. "And you can take care of Mokuba?"

"Of course mother…I wouldn't allow anything to happen to him." She smiled before she shut the door quietly behind her. I heard her yell playfully at out father.  
Slowly I bent down on the floor and smiled at my brother. He smiled back…Only a few of the new teeth he had were showing.

Our mother was right; he was adorable and too cute for his own good. I began to remove his small clothing; he stared at me with curious eyes and pulled on my shirt.

"Forgive me Mokuba, but mom wants us to do a bath photo shoot…You don't want to get your clothes wet do you?" His lip turned into a small pout, I couldn't help but laugh. "Haha, don't worry…I'm going to suffer too. Can you stay inside the tub, and not move until I'm in there with you?" He was in my arms now as I sat on the edge of the tub. His small eyes glanced towards the water and then back at me. He tugged on my clothes again. "I'll only be a minute. I'll be right there with you. And I'm only undressing…I'll still be in the room with you."

He smiled lightly again.

I knew he understood so I placed him lightly in the tub; his small hands gripped the edge of the tub as I quickly undressed.

Was it odd how…Back then I had no problem taking baths with my brother? But when Gozaburo had adopted us…I didn't even want Mokuba to see me shirtless. Is it something with age? I know now…I don't mind him seeing me shirtless…  
It wasn't long before I was remembering more of the memory…  
I had slipped into the tub with my brother; as soon as I had touched the water he was splashing it everywhere. I brought my knees to my chin as I watched him splash around in the water.

He was smiling, he was so happy…

It wasn't long before our parents had appeared through the door with the camera…Their faces were filled with smiles…  
Smiles that I thought would stay alive forever…  
When I came back to reality the water had nearly overflowed. I slowly turned the knobs in the opposite direction. My knees were brought to my chin…I was sitting the same as I was in the memory.

My body had felt less pain in the warm water that was around me.  
The steam that entered my nose and mouth cured my throat of its dry ache…  
I leaned back into the water and let the steam enter my nose with more power than before; it made it hard to breathe.  
Did I like the feeling of not breathing…? It seems so…It seems now I'm not breathing as much as I should. My breath…Even now is shallow and desolate.

I looked at my wrists…I knew I had to be out more than a couple days…The wounds on my wrist were scabs…They were barely recognizable as self-inflicted cuts.  
I knew they would scar however…And I would forever be reminded…  
But did it matter? As soon as these fully heal I will no doubt do it again. The pills are too much…I don't…Get the same feeling…I only feel regret…  
I sat up again in the water and reached for the shampoo, I lathered it in my hands and ran it through my hair. The smell reminded me of the memory again…I was still using the same shampoo as I had when I was a young child…  
It was still a child's shampoo…It even smelled childish.

I sank back into the warm water again; it washed out the shampoo easily as I ran my fingers through my hair underneath the water. I sat up again and sighed. The air from my mouth was cold compared to the steam all around me. I reached forward and gripped the water plug in my hand; pulling gently I removed it from the drain. The water around me began to recede slowly. I stood; using the railing on the wall for support as I grabbed a towel that had been hanging on a rack.

I wrapped it around my waist securely and stepped out from the tub. Slowly I walked to the door and unlocked it.  
How long have I been in here? Has Mokuba worried? Has Yami…?  
I relinquished the thoughts from my mind as I turned the knob and opened the door to my bedroom. My closet door was still open, the clothes that I must have pulled out from the closet laid in a crumpled mess on the floor.  
I decided I wouldn't pick out new clothes to wear…The ones on the floor would suit me fine for now. I gripped them in my hands and threw them on the bed. The covers were still a massive heap on the bed.  
I could see no one had been in my room…  
I glanced at the clock as I got dressed; it read four in the morning.  
As I continued to get dressed I felt a tug on my shirt; I heard soft breathing behind me.

"…" I gently pulled away before I sat down on the side of the bed, I couldn't see who was lying there; but as I moved onto the bed and leaned against the wall I felt their arms wrap around my waist. They were small…But they fit around me easily.

Mokuba…

I placed my hand on his head and ran my fingers through his hair. He nudged against my side; I could feel his breath as he inhaled my scent. His grip on me tightened.

"Nii-san…" His voice was a mere whisper as his grip on me tightened. "…Seto…Don't leave…Please…" I could feel his arms loosen as he sat up in the bed. My eyes had adjusted fully to the darkness now; I stared at his face with a soft look.  
His eyes were red…And his voice cracked every time he tried to speak out of a whisper.  
He had been crying…For how long? When I leave…Is he always like this…?  
How can I leave him…Like this…? I placed my hand on his cheek; at my touch I could see him hold back sobs again.  
He wrapped his arms around my neck and buried his face in the crook of my neck…I could feel his tears fall onto my collarbone; slowly they traveled down the opening in my shirt.

"Mokuba I'm not going to leave…I promise."

"But you already left once…! You left…Three days ago Seto…No one knew where you were…W-We were so worried…" I picked him up from the place on the bed where he sat. Carefully I situated him so his legs were wrapped around my waist and he sat easily in my lap. When I let him go I could feel his arms and his legs tighten around me.

He was shaking with fear…

"…Mokuba…" I pushed him back lightly; it was easy to see that he wanted to wrap me in his tight grip again. I placed my hands to his face and my forehead to his. My eyes were closed. "I know I left…I apologize…I didn't mean to. But something…I needed to do something that was very important." I thought about it slightly when I felt him flinch in my hands. No doubt he would think it would be work…And he would think that to me work was more important to him. "…But." I began. "I wish I could have stayed with you…" I placed a kiss on his forehead to show him I was sincere.  
When I pulled back his hand was in the place where my lips had touched. When I opened my eyes his face was slightly red.  
I chuckled and laid my arms across his shoulders.

"Haha…What? After three days you aren't used to your brother kissing you?" I wrapped my arms around his neck in a loose hug and pulled him closer to me. "I suppose I shouldn't do this then." I smiled as I ruffled his hair lightly.  
I could hear the laugh and relief behind his words as he spoke.

"N-Nii-san…S-Stop it! That…Hurts you…You…" Once I stopped teasing him, he shot up straight and stared at me intensely. Once again I could see he was hiding the laugh. I leaned back with my hands behind my head.

"What were you going to call me, hm?" I gave him a slight smirk that covered a laugh. He crossed his arms across his chest and looked away. He was mumbling something. I leaned in closer so I could hear him.

"I said you're a baka Nii-san…" He smirked lightly as he closed his eyes.

"Oh? Really?" I lifted him up from the bed. He gasped in surprise as he stared down at me from the air. "I'm an idiot am I?" I smirked again. "Well if I'm such an idiot, maybe I should keep you in the air for awhile."

"Seto…T-That makes no sense." I could see him begin to laugh; the corners of his mouth were lifting in a smile. "And besides…You can't hold me up here all day." He smiled in confidence.

I could already feel the aching in my arms as I held him there for a few more minutes.  
I sighed as if we had had a physical battle and I had been defeated.

"Ah…I suppose you're right little brother…I'm simply too weak to handle you." I placed him on the bed again and fell backwards as if I had fainted.

As Mokuba laid next to me, it occurred to me that maybe he and I were too old to play such childish games.  
This is something that a ten year old would do with his five year old brother…And here we are…At 18 and 15 playing the same childish games.  
I chuckled as I placed my face in his hair; I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him closer to me.  
But even so…I wouldn't change my relationship with you for the world Mokuba…


	9. Wake Up

The moonlight was shining through the window and onto the bed I laid on. My arms were wrapped tightly around something…Someone…

Mokuba? I thought as I opened my eyes in the darkness.

I looked down towards the face…My eyes widened in fear at whom I saw…  
No…Not…N-No…You're dead!! H-How can…?!  
I felt his touch on my cheek, the rough calluses scratched against my face. He smiled that evil smile that had haunted my dreams so many times after his death.

You're dead…

You're dead…

You're dead…

I closed my eyes and chanted the words in my mind.

I'm dreaming…

I'm dreaming…

I'm dreaming…

It's all a nightmare…! Wake up…!  
I pleaded with myself, I begged my eyes to open for real…I begged for them to open and see the real face of the person I was sleeping next to…

Wake up…Wake up…Wake up…Please…!!!

I put my hands against his chest; his hands tightened on my face…I could feel the bruises begin to form.

"Heh…Pleading won't save you from this…You deserve this." He laughed; one of his hands was on my chest. It scratched against my skin as he moved his hand…

"N-No…What did…?" I closed my eyes and winced at the pain, my fingers tightly clutched at the business suit he wore. I tried to cover the pain with my voice as I spoke. "What did I do…? I've done…"  
His voice was close to my ear; I could feel his breath as it entered my ear…Cold as his heart…

"You harmed yourself Seto." He ran his fingers along my wrist; the scabs were still visible. "You harmed what is mine. And you will be punished severely for it." He placed his hand on the back of my head and forced me against his shoulder. He held me there tightly as he whispered his harsh words in my ear.

"Do you think they care about you? Do you think they love you? Mokuba?! Yami?!" He began; he laughed once more…A deeper, eviler laugh. "They're lying Seto. They hate you. They resent you for everything you've ever done to them! I'm the only one for you. I'm the only one who understands you, because I made you Seto. I made you the way you are…And I've forced that on you. There's no turning back."  
I tried to fight his words…But the feeling…The knowledge…I knew it all along. How could anyone, even my own brother, possibly love me? Look at what I've done…I've left them…Forgotten about them…I've been selfish, completely selfish…I don't deserve them…I'm just…I'm just…

I'm just like him…

I'm just like…Him…

I pushed against his torso; I wanted as far away from this man as possible…  
I thought if I relieved myself of the depression…Even if it was only temporary…I would be through with him; why is he still here? Why does he still cloud my mind? Why am I still having these nightmares…?!

"Seto you can never escape me…I can promise you that…You will always be mine." His deep voice was menacing as he pulled me close to him again, "Why are you trying to pull away from me?"  
God damn it, wake up! I can't…I can't live through this again...I can't…

It took me so long to get over this…

I can't go through it again! I just can't…My body won't be able to take it…My heart…My heart will cease to exist if this happens again…

My mind will be shattered…

I'll be nothing…

Nothing…

Nothing…

…Nothing…

His breath was against my ear again, "…You're nothing now Seto. You are nothing but my little puppet. My little corporate leader…You were destined to be nothing but that." I could feel his lips touch my ear, they were hard…Simply uncaring. "You were destined to be the cold heartless person you are, I developed you into that…And you will be nothing more. I will always be here to remind you of the things you have done. Those awful things you did to the people you so call "love"…And the awful things you've done to yourself…" He paused for several more minutes. "…I know you regret it…I know you regret it all…But I also know…That you won't stop." He took my chin in his hand and brought my eye level to his. "If you stop…Things will only get worse…You won't have a single moment of happiness. I promise you...And then…You'll distance yourself away from those who you are doing this for." His hands grabbed my wrists tightly.

"…O-Ow…" I winced; I could feel liquid…The warm liquid I felt before. I looked towards my wrist. Blood was falling from his grip.  
He smiled evilly and glared at me with his cold hard eyes. He tightened his grip on my wrist; my blood dripped down my wrist. My head swirled. I began to feel light-headed as his lips touched my ear again.  
His whisper entered my ears.

"You'll bleed to death..." He said.

My mouth opened to respond but no words came out. I closed my eyes and listened to his voice before I fell into the darkness once again.

"With me in your arms…You'll bleed to death. My Seto."


	10. I Want To Go Back

"STOP!" My throat burned at the sudden outburst; it was as dry as it had been the night before. My whole body ached and my head was pounding. Sweat fell quickly from my forehead as I realized it was all a nightmare.

I wrapped my arms around myself; I was shaking…

Shaking…In fear. That nightmare…Was so real.

My body shivered as I reluctantly remembered it; everything felt so real. It felt as if he was really there…  
Was he…? No, it was just a dream…But…  
I argued with myself; my eyes were shut tightly as I tried to banish the images from my mind. They kept replaying no matter what I did or what I thought about. The images, the sounds wouldn't stop.  
It's happening again…! I'm losing my mind…Like I did years ago, that day everything changed…He broke me down to the point where I was nothing! Literally nothing! Not even Mokuba could pull me out of the thoughts he had forced and burned into my skull…

Before long I was slipping into that memory…I tried to pull myself back…

That memory…THOSE MEMORIES...! I don't want…I don't…Don't remember them! Don't…Is this pleading…? I'm begging…Don't replay those memories…  
I'm sitting on the couch in the study room...I wasn't sure what I was staring at; it was just a blank stare…Like there was no life left in me.

I was simply an empty shell that Gozaburo could mold easily into the cold, hard business man he needed me to be…And he did just that…

"Nii-San?" I jumped at the voice; the focus in my eyes returned to normal. My eyes were dry…I hadn't noticed I was just staring at the wall across from the bed. They began to water when I blinked the dryness away; I quickly wiped my eyes so Mokuba couldn't see the water streaming down my cheeks.  
Would he think I was crying or…?  
He opened the door to my bedroom and peeked inside.

"You're awake!" He smiled brightly as he took a step inside and closed the door quietly behind him. He was already dressed and ready for the day. He glanced over his shoulder as his hands remained on the door knob. "I'm glad…!"  
I blinked several times again to attempt to wake up from my daze; he had moved to the side of the bed. His hands were placed on the side of the bed and he was looking down. The eagerness he had before seemed to be drained from him now.

"…What's wrong Mokuba?" I asked.

"I might have…Done something that might make you mad at me…"  
I stared at him and sighed as I thought about what he could have done. Not many things could make me irritated with him…He waited patiently as I rattled my brain for a reason.  
There was none…Unless he invited Wheeler over…  
But still that wouldn't make me angry with him, making fun of Wheeler is a stress relief…And quite entertaining…  
I chuckled lightly before I began again. "Did you invite Wheeler here?"

"No…Not Joey. But…I did invite two people over…"

"Who?"

Mokuba just looked at me with worry in his eyes, he seemed to be hoping what he did was the right thing…And his decision wouldn't make whatever situation that was in his mind worse.  
I looked away from him as I sighed in slight aggravation.

"Mokuba you know you can tell me, I won't get angry."  
He waited several moments before he caught my gaze again. His eyes pleaded with me; I wasn't sure what he was so worried about. When he looked away from me again I slowly got out of bed.  
Mokuba watched me with the same worried eyes he had been since he sat down next to me.

"Well…Whoever it is I'll find out soon enough." I said as I straightened the shirt I wore. "Is it someone important?" I began to walk towards the closet that had mostly professional clothes. Mokuba caught up with me and grabbed my hand; he held it tight.

"He's important to you…But…He would only want you to be yourself." Mokuba released my hand; he gave me a slight smile before he began to run to the door. "Don't keep him waiting Nii-San! He's worried about you…" He said before shutting the door quietly behind him. I saw his smile widen.

So it's Yami, huh…?

I began to wonder if meeting with him was the right choice.  
He's worried about me…So I should see him. But isn't he angry? I haven't talked to him for three days…Who wouldn't be? What am I going to tell him? Have I even come up with a story yet?  
I felt an on-coming headache as my temples pulsed. I could hear the pounding in my head.  
What if he doesn't forgive me? What if he leaves? What if…?  
My mind began to wander into the shadows again. I thought of how I would feel if Yami left…What I would have to cover-up in front of other people.

Can I do that? If he leaves…Can I act like it never happened? Could I act like I never knew him…And go back to when we   
were rivals? No…I couldn't…I can't…

My hands moved to my temples. I could feel myself begin to lose control again. I couldn't stop…  
I need to get away…As long as we're together…I'll be able to make it. I'll be able to survive…For a little while…I'll be able to live for Mokuba at least…As long as we're together…  
Another voice echoed in my mind. A voice that wasn't my own…It was dark. Raspy.

YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT SETO. YOU ARE MINE, REMEMBER? DON'T FORGET! YOU ARE ALWAYS ALONE. IT'S ONLY YOU AND ME HERE...AND   
I KNOW HOW ALONE I MAKE YOU FEEL.

I closed my eyes tightly as I tried to get rid of the voice. I began shouting in my mind; before I realized the words were coming from my mouth. My voice sounded no different from his…

"NO! I'm not YOURS…Stop…STOP IT…Just stop!! I can't take it! I can't…! I can't…! I can't…!" I screamed. My throat was dry and hoarse; I was breathing in heavily as I tried to catch my breath. His voice echoed in my mind. I couldn't get away from the voice…

Slowly I wrapped my arms around my knees and began rocking back and forth. My chin was placed on my knees…I could feel my eyes stinging with tears before they slid down my cheeks.

I'll never escape…Never…Never…Never…Escape…

I felt secure arms around me. I began to push against them.

"No…Stop…! G-Get away…Don't touch me!!" I screamed louder than before; I could hear my voice reach its breaking point with each word I uttered. The tears that had once slid slowly down my face were now pouring as I pushed with all my strength against the arms that held me.  
They fought back. Still holding me tight.

"Open your eyes! Look…!" The arms wound from me. Their hands were on my face; they were holding me in a firm manner.

"Look at me!! Seto!" The voice sounded familiar.

Yami…I want to see you…I want to be with you…But is it you? Or are you another trick…?  
I didn't want to open my eyes in fear of what I would see.  
What if it's HIM? Gozaburo…  
The hands removed their touch from my face; I felt them wound around my body again. Although they barely reached around me; I could see they had no intention of letting go.

"Seto..." The familiar voice pleaded. "Please…Open your eyes…"  
Could Gozaburo's voice be that sweet? Could it be that innocent…? Even if he was trying to trick me…Gozaburo could never imitate that sweet voice…His voice…  
Slowly my lids removed themselves from the bottom of my eyes. The pressure lifted lightly as my eyes opened fully. I tried to lift my hand to his face in order to comfort him. But I couldn't.  
He had me tightly held in his arms. He refused to let me go. When he realized my eyes had opened I could see the stress leave his face; the face that looked down on me was the one I had wanted to see…

Yami…

I closed my eyes again as I pieced together the situation.  
He was downstairs. I'm sure of that…Mokuba had left my room to wait downstairs for me. Was Yugi there too?  
My eyes opened; Yugi stood over me to my left. His face was just as worried, but it seemed to lessen each time I opened my eyes. Yami's…Changed whenever I opened and closed them.  
He would look relieved when my eyes were open long enough…But if I closed them to think…He got worried again…For his sake I kept my eyes open as I thought out the rest of the situation.

Yugi was there…How long did they wait before they came upstairs to check on me? How long…

I tried to remember why…

How long was I in that position…? I can't remember…  
I was on my feet when I came to fully; Mokuba and Yami were holding onto my hands. I assumed they must have pulled me from my feet. I felt a sudden weight on my shoulders as my mind came to reality.  
As they let go of my hands I placed them to my forehead; forcing the pain back into my skull; they watched closely at my movements.

"…What?" I was able to squeak out. My voice was raspy; it burned my throat as I tried to speak more. "What are you looking at?"

Yami looked at me in disbelief. I could see Mokuba tugging lightly on Yugi's clothes. He whispered something to him; but my mind couldn't concentrate on it. Slowly they made their way out of the room; the door shut quietly behind them.

"What do you mean 'what are we looking at'?!" He voice was electrifying. "We're worried sick about you!! And you act like what just happened didn't even mean anything!!"  
I tried to calm myself around him; I could feel my anger begin to take hold of me.

But I can't yell at him…I don't want to argue.

I said to myself.

Besides…I deserve this. He's only worried…  
The other voice I had heard earlier entered my mind once again. I tried to block it out; but I knew it was inevitable that I would hear his voice again.

THAT'S RIGHT. YOU DESERVE IT. ALL OF IT!

"…I don't see the problem." I stated calmly. Yami's shoulders slumped in disbelief again; I could see on his face my attitude…My calmness about the whole situation worried him to death. His mouth was open in horror…Could he see through my disguise?   
Why am I hurting him like this…? Why can't I admit, at least to him that I'm not who I appear to be?  
The voice again…

YOU DESERVE IT. YOU BELIEVE YOU DESERVE IT. YOU DESERVE ALL THAT PEOPLE THROW AT YOU. YOU CAN'T FIND ONE REASON WHY YOU SHOULDN'T DESERVE THIS!!

I forced myself not to speak out loud to the voice; if I had…Yami would be even more worried and I would have more to cover up…

"You don't see a problem…You don't…?" He looked away from me. I could see he was fighting back tears in his eyes. His voice had cracked with every word he spoke now.  
He's doesn't want me to see him crying? …Why?  
He looked back to me with the same ferocity he had before.

"Seto you never see the problem…But you need to! You need help! This is the second time I've seen you like that…On the floor; away from everyone…" I listened to every word he said; did I need help? Professional help…? At this point I was beginning to think I couldn't do it all on my own. "You were crying again…You were screaming again. At me!" He waited for my response.  
What was I supposed to say to that…? It's all true…

"I'm sorry."  
My apology did nothing; it seemed to make him angrier.

"You're sorry?! Seto…I don't want an apology!! Obviously this is something you can't deal with by yourself…So…So…" He paused again and turned away from me again. His eyes tightly closed. He was trying to catch his breath. "I don't know what you're doing anymore…You're trying to deal with this but you can't!!" His words stung.  
I can't do it by myself…? But…I don't want anyone else seeing me like this. Yami…Especially you…Or Mokuba…If you knew I was this broken…You'd know I couldn't protect you…  
I could feel the stinging sensation drift down my cheeks again. How long had I been crying?  
He stared at me; his eyes were soft again…Pleading…He took steps toward me and placed his hand on my cheek. I could see his eyes tear up; he didn't look away this time.

"Seto…I just want you to tell me…Confide in me…What are you so afraid of? Why won't you tell me…?"  
I opened my mouth to answer him.  
But what am I going to say? That I'm afraid he'll leave if he finds out how out of control I am? I can't even think of him leaving…But would he leave if I refuse to tell him?  
The touch of his hand slid off my face. His shoulders slumped in defeat as he looked away from me. He remained silent for a few moments before he closed his eyes.

"…If you're not going to tell me Seto…" He paused again. His eyes tightened as he took in a deep breath to continue his sentence. "Then you can't trust me…?"  
I couldn't even answer that…If I said yes, I would be a hypocrite.

"I…" I began; but I couldn't say anything. My voice was stuck in my throat.  
He looked at me again. "Seto…No…Kaiba…" He corrected himself. I felt a sharp pain in my chest; he was calling me by my last name again…

It's not even my name…

"Kaiba I can't…I can't be with you if you can't trust me." His eyes were firm as he looked at me. I could see the anger in his eyes…And hear it in his voice as he continued. "…If you can't tell me then…It's over…Kaiba…"  
I opened my mouth to speak again…I wanted to scream…I wanted to tell him.

No…Yami…Don't leave!! Please…Please don't leave me…I can't…I'll tell you everything…I'll tell you all of it, don't leave me…What about? Not leaving…?! Why are you…

My thoughts were no longer coherent. The mask I had been wearing…The calm composure I had on…Broke. Shattered I fell to the floor. My knees banged against the hard wood floor; the pain shot from my knees up through my body…It was numb compared to the pain I was experiencing in my chest.  
My hands shot to my face; they covered it like a mask as the tears began to pour from my eyes. Despite what was going on…I couldn't utter a sound. I felt his arms wrap around my shoulders. His voice in my ear.

"…Gomenasai…" He whispered. He bit his lip.  
Say you didn't mean it…Please…I can't…  
I could feel my shoulders begin to shake. My whole body shook. The voice that was in my head rang through my ears.

YOU'RE MINE NOW. FOR GOOD. HE'S GONE. HE LEFT YOU HERE. ALONE. YOU'RE ALONE!! AND ALL MINE…

"No…No…P-Please…" I whispered in my shaking voice. "I don't want…Don't…"  
Yami seemed to stay with me for several moments. Was I coming around? Could I tell him…?  
My secrets…Those deep secrets that I couldn't tell anyone not even Mokuba…  
Could I speak them to keep him here?

"Kaiba…Get help…Please…For me." He stood up; his eyes were still as fierce as before. I couldn't see an ounce of sadness…And ounce of regret in them…  
He meant…He meant for this to happen…? He wanted to…Break…Me…Down…

I couldn't take it anymore…He was gone. So why should I be silent anymore? My reasoning was gone…I only had anger, depression…Suicide on my mind.

"For you?! For YOU?!" I screamed. "If anything…If I do anything for you Yami…" I couldn't speak. My voice was stuck in my throat. Could I really say it? Could I tell him…That this was the last time he was ever going to see me…? I stood to my feet; my face still pointed to the ground. "…It will be nothing…" I muttered.  
I could see his hands clench in tight fists.

"Then get help for yourself. For Mokuba. You can't expect me to believe that you think this isn't harming him too!" Yami yelled to me; how could he bring Mokuba into this…?

"Mokuba is fine. I would know if something was wrong with him."

"Fine? Kaiba he's worried SICK about you!! You disappeared for three days without telling any of us where you would be!" He paused for a second. I could see his anger disperse as it was taken over by sadness. "We were all worried sick about you! Why did you think I was here?! I wanted to hold you…I wanted to kiss you…" His voice cracked.

"And instead you break up with me. It took quite a turn." I said sourly. My heart was fighting with my mind…I didn't want to tell him all this…

I want to tell him how I want to hold him…How I want to kiss him…I want to be with him…But I can't…That's weakness…!! And…And…  
The other voice in my mind took over as I fought against myself.

WEAKNESS IS THE ENEMY. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WEAK DO YOU? YOU DON'T WANT TO DEPEND ON OTHER PEOPLE…

"Yami this conversation is over. As far as I'm concerned…If we aren't together; you mean nothing to me." I could see him break in front of me. His eyes had widened as his lip quivered.

"S-Seto…" He began.

"Don't call me by my first name. People may think you mean more to me than you really do." He gripped onto the card necklace that hung around his neck. I remembered when I gave it to him…Was he imaging the same thing…?  
That time when everything was alright…When everything was better…  
He had visited after school one day; saying he had something to tell me. It was before everything. Before Kaiba Corp had invented the machine that gave him his own body…

I remember watching from my office window at him walk up the way to the mansion's doors. My heart thudded in my chest…At first I had no idea why it was beating so fast…  
I stared at the necklace on the table. I wanted to give it to him…But I wasn't sure if I should. It gave him access to come here whenever he wanted. I remember fighting with myself; the pros and the cons of it.

What if he didn't accept it? What if he was coming to tell me that he wanted to stop visiting…And he wanted to stop associating all together?

After all we were destined to be rivals…

Destiny…I remember when I thought that was fake. I sighed lightly as a knock on the door broke into my thoughts.

"Come in." I said; I held onto the necklace lightly before sliding it into the open drawer of my desk.  
It will only be a mistake if I give it to him…  
He walked through the door; I watched as his face lit up when he looked at me. I gave him a light smile in return. Yami ran to me and hopped onto the large chair; his legs dangled over the armrests as he looked into my eyes.

"…So what did you have to tell me?" I asked as I spun the chair around; coincidentally shutting the drawer the necklace was in.

"Ah…It was nothing important. Would you believe me if I said I just wanted to spend time with you?" He laughed. At the time I couldn't help but smile at him. It made me want to hand him the necklace all the more.

"No I wouldn't." I joked. "After all who would want to spend time with me?"

"Mokuba would." He said.

"Mokuba is family. He has to be with me even if he doesn't want to. So he doesn't count."

"Hmm…In that case I'd spend time with you. Yugi would too." I ruffled his hair slightly.

"You don't count either."

"Eh? Why not?!" He shot up and stared at me; he seemed some-what angry.

"Because you're always with me now." Any doubts I had had about giving the necklace to him were gone at that point. It seemed I could trust him…So I let down my guard. "Here, I have something to give you." I reached my hand into the drawer and pulled the necklace out. Yami looked at it in confusion; he soon realized it matched the necklaces that Mokuba and I wore.

"It's an all-access pass to the mansion. This way you won't have to say why you're here or even go through security." I handed the necklace to him; he immediately put it around his neck. "And it works for people around you too. I gave security the names and pictures of your friends. So they can come too as long as you're wearing this." I pointed to the necklace he now had in his hands.

"Is there anything in it?" He asked.

"Mmm…No. But you can put something in it. Here." I reached into the drawer again and grabbed the old camera I had in my   
desk; I outstretched the camera from us as he held up the necklace.  
We both smiled lightly as the camera flashed…  
I remember the picture so well...He was smiling...I was smiling...It was a better time...So much better...I want to go back...


	11. A Forgotten Month & My Personality

I opened my eyes to darkness for what seemed like the millionth time in only the past few weeks.  
I couldn't remember a thing…It was all a blur.  
But it seemed I was used to that by now…I glanced around the room. It was pitch black once again, as I looked at the clock it read around eight at night.  
At least it's not the early morning…

I was dressed in what I had been before I fell asleep.

Or did I pass out? I can't remember anymore…Does it really matter? It's just another day wasted.

I swung my legs to the side of the bed as I rubbed my temples. I tried to recall the mornings…Or was it afternoon's events? I had thought over and over---replaying the images I had in my mind.

Nothing…I can't remember…

Unsuccessful, I pushed myself from the bed. My arms and legs ached as if I'd been laying on them for days. As I pushed I could feel a sharp pain in my arm…A burning sensation…

I've felt this before…

Suddenly I began to remember…Sporadic events splattered through my mind.

That's right…Yami…He left…A-And I…

My hand held my aching arm. I traced my arm lower…To my wrist. My fingers slowly moved across soft fabric…And then a metal clasp. A bandage?

"Ugh…!" I gripped my wrist tightly.

How old are they…? Are they new…? Did I do this once Yami left…? I could feel the cloth get damp on my hand…They're new then…But why can't I remember…?  
My eyes had adjusted to the darkness by now, I sat down on the bed again and examined the damage I had done to my wrist. When I looked up something white caught my eye. A small bottle was toppled to the right. Pills fell from the opening. I noted they were also on the floor.  
Soon…I remembered what had happened with Yami…

"…Gomenasai…" He whispered…"Yami this conversation is over. As far as I'm concerned…If we aren't together; you mean nothing to me."… "Don't call me by my first name. People may think you mean more to me than you really do."…

"How could I…Say those things to him…?" I whispered to myself. My grip on my wrist became tighter as I tried to hold back the tears. I swallowed the lump in my throat that was forcing itself to escape in a sob. I was breathing heavily and light headed. Before I could fall into unconsciousness again I gripped the bottle.

"Sleeping pills…?" I whispered again. I wasn't sure how much I had ingested…Before I had sworn not to swallow pills in order to heal the pain. But now…

This…

I looked towards my wrist…And towards the bottle on the table.

T-They're not working…!!

The sob I had suppressed burst through my lips. It was the first time in awhile…In years…That I had heard myself sob…That sound…I hated it. I tried to speak…My voice was caught in my throat as I sobbed louder.  
Before I regain my composure I saw the light from the hallway peer in from the door. I couldn't see who was in the doorway…

Yami…Please…B-Be…Be Yami, I-I…Need you…Yami…

When the figure looked at me; he sighed as if he was irritated. But there was another tone of worry…He shut the door and walked towards me…In the darkness I could see his face.  
My brother looked at me before he looked at the bottle on the table.  
I managed to hold my sobs as he stood before me.  
The very thing I was trying to avoid…Has happened…He knows I can't protect him…He knows I'm weak…

"Nii-San…" He said. His voice was raspy in itself…I could see his eyes were red…Possibly more so than mine. "You know the doctor said you can't have any medication…" His hand outstretched for the bottle and the pills that lay around it.

"Did you swallow any of these?" He asked in a harsher tone.

"…Doctor…?" I whispered. I wasn't sure what I had been through…Maybe it had been more than just a few hours…

"Yes, your doctor Nii-San…I…Have to do this every time I come into your room." I could hear his voice crack.

"Do…What…?"

"I have to take pills from you!! Where the hell…Where are you getting these?!" I couldn't respond. I didn't know how to. "Nii-San you're going to kill yourself…" He whispered. His hands outstretched to my wrists. I pulled them back instantly. "Seto…Stop…You act like this every time…You act like I don't know…"  
Every time…Every time…How long...?

His hands gripped my wrists. "How new are these?" He asked. He had crawled onto the bed and looked into my eyes as he held onto my wrists.

"I don't…Remember…" It seemed all I could do now is whisper. My voice refused to go any louder…My body ached all over as Mokuba traced his fingers across the bandage that was wrapped around my wrist.

"…I think we should go to the doctor again Nii-San…You're getting worse…" He lightly pulled my arm as he got off the bed. Reluctantly I stood and walked with him. We walked to my office. Mokuba called the receptionist and asked for a car; I barely heard the conversation that went on between them…  
I closed my eyes…

When I opened them again Mokuba and I were in the back of the limousine.  
He was leaning against my arm; his arms were wrapped tightly around mine.

"Seto…" He whispered. I was only barely conscious…It felt like I couldn't hold on anymore. "Don't leave…I need you…Nii-San…" I closed my eyes again; my breathing increased. It was getting harder to maintain my breath.  
The silence grew between us again; but Mokuba remained close.

"Mokuba…What…Happened to Yami…?"

"…He's…Ok…Sort of…" He replied after awhile. "He wants to see you Nii-San…B-But we all decided it wasn't good for your health since…" His voice trailed off. The silence continued.

Yami…Wanted to see me? I-I want…To see him…

I could feel tears come to my eyes; they rolled down my cheeks slowly. Mokuba reached up and rubbed them away.

"How long ago…?"  
Mokuba let go of my arm. I could feel his arms wrap around my waist as his face moved to my chest. His grip tightened on me.

"It's been…A month Nii-San…And…A-And you haven't gotten better…" I brought my hand to his head.

"I'll get…Better…" I whispered. I felt like I was lying…I wasn't sure if I was going to get better…Or if I was only denying the inevitable.  
Mokuba seemed to tighten his grip even more on my waist. I could hear his breath become uneven as my shirt became damp.

"You said that a month ago…When I found you…C-Cut…" He couldn't complete the sentence. I didn't want him to; I placed my arm around his shoulders and pulled him closer.

"…Gomenasai…I didn't mean for you to see that…" I could tell by his tight grip that my grip felt like nothing…I was getting weaker in my emotional and physically sense.

"I know…You yelled…For me to leave you alone and then…You locked your bedroom door for a week…W-When we were finally able to get you out…We took you to a doctor…B-But you got mad again and left without anyone knowing…And you locked yourself in your bedroom again…"

I placed my head on his. I couldn't say anything to make this situation better…I had caused him…And Yami severe pain…And who knows who else…? I wanted to say more to him…But the truth was…There was nothing to say…  
Mokuba let go of my waist when we got to the hospital, he held onto my hand as he helped me out of the car.  
Am I really this frail…?  
I looked to my arm; my bones were clearly visible through my skin. I was almost translucent…My skin was grey and paler than the walls of the hospital. I could feel the stares of the others waiting as we simply walked back through the long white hallways.  
I wasn't sure how long we walked; I seemed to focus on the sounds of our footsteps on the linoleum floor. My attention returned when the footsteps stopped at an open door. Mokuba pulled me gently through the door before we sat down in the chairs that lined the doctor's wall.  
I leaned my head against Mokuba's shoulder again; he held onto my hand tighter.

"…" Our silence continued, but I had a feeling he knew what I was thinking.

"Seto…You want to see him don't you…?" He whispered.  
Before I could answer the door closed; I jumped at the sound. My breath became uneven as my heart rate increased. As I looked up I saw a man stare down at me; his eyes reflected irritation and anger.  
My temper flared as I kept my thoughts and actions calm.

"So, you're back Seto?" He said as he glanced over a chart. I didn't answer him; Mokuba looked at me with concern…But he seemed to be less concerned when he saw that I was angry and not just the walking shell I assumed I had been on previous visits.

"Ah…You're not going to answer me this time either, are you?" He took my chin in his hand and titled my face towards   
is. I opened my mouth to respond.

"Who do you think you are…That you can touch me?" His hand dropped from my chin.

"So you are talking. That's a new sign. Maybe you have hope of getting better after all." He scribbled something on the chart in his arms. "How are you feeling?"

Mokuba gripped my hand tighter. I could tell he wanted to know the answer to this as well. For his sake I refused to lie.

"I can't remember anything, my body seems to be failing and I'm as white as a ghost. How do you think I'm feeling?"  
The doctor paused for a moment as he walked towards me. The pen he had held in his hand was placed to his lips. As he responded.

"That does tend to happen when you abuse sleeping and depression medication…" The pen fell from his mouth; he placed it to my wrist. "…And when all your blood is being released from your body."I clenched my hands. "How is that 'treatment' working for you Seto? The last time we talked to muttered something about…It being your only way out."

I clenched my fists again.

How could I tell this…This…How could I tell him so much?  
It was as if Mokuba could read my mind. He spoke up before I could respond.

"Dr. Aoyagi…T-That's not fair…The hospital drugged Nii-San the last time he was here…"

…Drugged me?

"He was going out of his mind, Mokuba. You were here. He needed to be heavily sedated." The doctor glanced towards me.

"He's lucky he wasn't admitted to a psychiatric ward the moment after he was 'fit' to leave the hospital."

"…Would you please stop talking as if I'm not here?" I muttered.   
The doctor wrote something else down on his clipboard. He looked towards me again and placed the pen inside his pocket.

"I think we're done here. Mokuba, it's quite obvious your brother wants to die."  
Mokuba tensed beside me. His grip on my hand tightened automatically. Almost immediately I stood from the chair against the wall. My right hand placed on the edge of the chair to hold my weight.

"That won't happen." I said. "And if you ever say that to my brother again; I'll see to it that your medical license is revoked and you'll never work in this country again." I slipped my hand out of Mokuba's and gripped his with as tight a grip as I could manage. "Now we're done here. Take me off you're charts. You won't see me again. We're leaving Mokuba."  
As we reached the limousine; the energy I had in the hospital faded. I felt myself become tired and weak once more.

"Nii-San…!" Mokuba held onto me; he was smiling for the first time since I had woken up. "You have gotten better…I was waiting…For the day you would tell him off."  
I felt myself smile; but it was only for several seconds. I looked out the window of the limousine. The lights of the city reflected in my eyes. I sought out one place in particular.

Mokuba seemed to know where I was looking. He smiled lightly.

"…Driver…Take me home; Nii-San still has somewhere to go." The smile returned to my face; it still lasted only seconds…But Mokuba seemed happy to see me smiling again. I guess he was waiting for this day for…A month now…  
I was lost in thought all through the drive. I was reminded of when I had first met Yami…And how our feelings were so different from what they are now…

The memory of when I had first met Yami reeled through my mind…  
I had hated him then…Despised him even…  
I was the top duelist and he had beaten me…A kid I didn't even know on a personal level, who I had paid no attention to, had beaten me…That defeat sent me on a true spiral…Was it that defeat that molded me into what I am now?  
It did…Change me for the better; at least at the time…I was able to pay more attention to Mokuba and spend less time on work.

Was it then that I began to think of Yami as someone more than an enemy?

It was then I realized I didn't hate him as much as I once had. If anything…I admired him. It took me awhile to realize that I had adored him simply because he brought me back to my reality.  
It was Yami who forced me to realize Mokuba was alone…

At the time I didn't want to see it…Whatever Yami had done to me after that duel opened my eyes…The images of my past had flashed through my mind…The present…Mokuba's sad face as he would walk away from me…And at the very end was Yami…

At first I didn't want to look at him; I didn't want to think about him…But his image didn't go away.  
His words echoed through my mind…

"There is more to you than the cold, heartless person that is now on his knees before me. That. Is the only reason you are still alive Kaiba."  
As I heard the words over and over I began to think them true…There was more to me than the THING Gozaburo had me become…Once I realized that…I also realized the feelings…The admiration I had for Yami…  
However, I didn't want to admit that I could possibly love someone other than Mokuba. I refused it. I masked that admiration with hate…I masked it with revenge. On the outside…It appeared like I hadn't changed at all…

I remembered the time I had risked my life for Mokuba. It wasn't the first time I had done that…I would risk my life for Mokuba any chance I got if it was needed…It was that duel that pained me more than most though…

I may have won…But at that time I also realized how Yami felt about ME. He was willing to kill me to win…It was Yugi who stopped him…It took all I had to keep the wall up. To keep that mask on that covered my true face…I thought of Mokuba and my chance to save him; and at that time I was able to place Yami in the back of my mind…So when did I begin to admit to loving him? To adoring him?

…It was shortly after we had worked together in that virtual reality Kaiba Corp. had created.  
Together…Even then it took me awhile to realize the full potent of my feelings for him…  
But I acknowledged they were there, and if I had continued to see him…They would never go away.  
I tried to stay away; but shortly after the Battle City Tournament began and I was by his side countless times…

"Mr. Kaiba? Sir…?" I blinked back into the world around me; I wasn't sure how long I had been in thought. Somehow, my driver knew where I had wanted to go without my voice to guide him. "We're here. At the Game Shop."

"…Thanks…You can drive home…I'll call if there is a problem." As my driver nodded I realized I was beginning to become more of the person I was a month ago. I was fully healed…But I was making my comeback. My driver began to get out of his seat but I placed my hand up in protest. "It's fine, I can get it myself." Despite my weakened state I gripped the car door and opened it slightly. Slowly I pulled myself out of the limousine and onto the sidewalk that led to the Game Shop. There were stairs that led to the upper level; I had heard Yugi mention in the classroom that his grandfather was out on a trip to Egypt and he and Yami would be alone for most of the summer…

Then Yami…Had winked at me as if to say I should come by…

I remember smirking back at him…

I put the memory aside in order to keep my focus on maintaining my balance. It took all of my strength to stand let alone walk. My heart was pounding in my chest as I reached the top of the stairs. I placed my hand on the door knob and then pulled it away quickly.  
I stood there contemplating if I should have appeared out of nowhere. I glanced towards the ground as my hand lowered back down to my waist.  
I rattled my brain for a reason why I should leave.  
But I couldn't find one…I could only think of how Mokuba had said Yami wanted to see me…And how I wanted to see him.  
The door had opened; I looked up into a face I recognized but did not particularly care for.

"Kaiba?! What are you doing here?" Just the sound of his voice gave me a headache, I closed my eyes to try and focus; suddenly the weakness I had felt before was gone. I couldn't help the irritated expression that took over my face.

"I should be asking you the same question Wheeler." I opened my eyes again, "Where's Yugi and---?" My arms crossed in front of my chest. Joey eyed me suspiciously.

"Why do you need to talk to Yugi?"

"That business is between me and him, now isn't it?" I leaned against the side of the house and closed my eyes again.  
Despite how much I've changed my outward appearance towards all of you my disdain for you never seems to subside.

"I'm not letting you in until you tell me Kaiba, and why do you look dead?" He had a childish expression on his face, one that would express an "Nyah-Nyah" expression if there ever was one.

"You really are a child." I muttered as I ignored his other question.

"What was that?!" He stepped outside of the house and was staring me in the face now; he was trying to act tough. "You don't have your bodyguards around to save you Kaiba and in the state you're in I'd say you'd fall down in one punch."

"Mokuba is more of an adult than you, and he's only fifteen and you honestly think I need bodyguards to defeat YOU of all people, even in my so-called weakened state?"  
I made it appear, at least to Joey that I had only been working hard for the past month…And that I hadn't experienced death more than once.  
He turned away from me and crossed his arms; his nose was stuck high in the air as he argued his next point. "You know I like your brother, he's a nice little kid…Which is surprising considering you raised him."

"…As long as you don't speak of ill of Mokuba, I won't feel the urge to punch you in the face." His body turned towards me again; his arms were now at his sides in tight fists.

"I think I see your calm composure breaking Seto." I twitched.  
There was something about that, which bothered me to no end. People…I didn't know, or people I despised calling me by my first name…People I didn't respect. My hands moved to my sides, I could feel them clench into tight fists; I had to admit…I was grateful to Joey for making me feel alive for the first time in awhile. Even if it was by making me angry.

"Watch it Wheeler." I threatened. I knew it wasn't the right time, Yami and I already had enough tot alk about…Beating up one of his friends would only add to the baggage. "Don't tempt me."

"What's going on Joey? You've been out here for a long time." Yugi walked between us, his arms were wrapped tightly around his shoulders. His glance moved towards me. I could see the surprise in his eyes. Whether it was because I was a walking corpse or because I was showing an expression other than blasé I wasn't sure. "K-Kaiba…" I could see in his eyes he knew why I was here. "…J-Joey were you trying to get Kaiba to fight you like always?" His gaze went to Joey; it was the first time I had ever seen Yugi angry with his friends.  
I assumed he cared more for Yami right now…I wondered if Yami was in the same shape as I was…Or what if he was worse…?

"He started it!! What's he doing here anyway?! He wanted to see you."

"Actually you didn't let me finish, I wanted to see Yugi and Yami. Yami in particular."

"Then why do you want to see Yami? You haven't spoken to him in a month! Do you know what you did to him?"  
I couldn't respond.  
What I did to him…? Is he OK…Let him be OK…Please…  
I felt myself pleading with someone I didn't believe in...Oddly it gave me some solace.  
Yugi stood between us; he placed his hands on our chests. His hand twitched at the touch of my skin. He must have underestimated how skinny I really was. "…Kaiba, come inside."  
Joey glared at me as he made his way inside the house; Yugi looked up at me from where he stood. He seemed happy that I was there; but also worried. I followed him through the frame way as webegan to walk into the house. He stopped and turned around to face me again. "…You're here to…Make-up with Yami aren't you?"

"…Why else would I be here Yugi…?" I couldn't hide my true emotions. Yugi could hear the truth…And more than likely the frightened tone in my voice. Yugi looked into my eyes before continuing.

"Follow me…Joey is probably with Yami…Or at least in my room." He grabbed a hold of my hand; for once I didn't flinch at the touch of someone other than Mokuba or Yami…

We stopped in front of a door, he turned to face me. His hand was on the door ready to open it. He spoke before opening the door.

"You deserve to be alone with Yami…" His hand tightened on the knob before he opened the door and guided me inside.

"I'll take Joey out…And you two can be alone." I wasn't paying much attention to what Yugi was saying once I saw Yami's   
shoulders. I heard the door shut behind me as I stepped into the room. I was terrified of what I might see…  
What if he is just like me…Just as skinny…Just as dead?  
He was lying on the bed; his back was turned to me but I could see he was awake…His shoulders heaved up and down as he tried to control his breathing. His shoulders looked thinner…  
I could see his shoulder blades more so now than I ever could before.

I walked forward towards the bed; it was only a few steps away from the door but it felt like I was walking a mile. As I sat down on the side of the bed I reached out to Yami; my fingers were skinnier than they ever had been. I was worried he would be frightened by my appearance…I looked nothing like I had…  
His shoulder flinched as I held it in my hand. My body leaned forward as I placed my lips to his ear. They quivered in the fear I might get rejected. Still, I could hear his breathing…  
It was shallow…But at the same time frantic.  
Before I spoke I suddenly remembered the promise I had made to him a month ago…I spoke it again in his ear; wishing he remembered it too.

"…Didn't I say I would never leave you?" I whispered; I smirked lightly as his gaze turned to me. His eyes were red; his cheeks somewhat sullen…But less than mine…  
I thanked the God I didn't believe in…Yami was in better condition than I was…

"I promised you…" I took his face in my hands and tilted his chin towards my mouth.

"…S-Seto…What are you…?" He whispered back, his eyes were gentle…Somewhat pleading. His cheeks were a shade of dark red as I leaned down to the side of his head again; my tongue traced along the edges of his ear. I heard his breath release from his mouth.

I smirked again. "Kiss me." His hands were on his chest; he looked at me through the corner of his eye.

I touched my nose to his; our foreheads touched as he closed his eyes and opened them again.

"…T-Then, close your eyes." I did as I was told. I couldn't hide the small smile that was creeping its way on my lips. He seemed so innocent…So child-like. And so feminine right now…  
I felt his lips graze against mine; it wasn't a kiss…Not the kiss I wanted…Not the kiss I craved.

"Yami…That wasn't a real kiss." I whispered. My eyes were still closed; I opened them slightly to look at him somewhat seductively.

He pouted…Then a serious look filled his eyes. "Then you kiss me Seto. Kiss me like you mean it." He smirked. I couldn't help but smirk back at him as I took his chin in my hand. Without his consent I placed my lips on his…Harder than I ever had before…His hands had moved to my face as he pulled the kiss in deeper.

This kiss…Was different than the other ones we had ever witnessed…We were together again…  
Our concealed tongues wrestled for dominance behind our lips; I could feel his breath give way, his body began to mold to mine as his grip tightened. I placed my other hand on his and pulled it from my face.  
His hand seemed to twitch in mine as I pulled away from his lips.

"…You're here…" He whispered. His eyes were wide with shock at my appearance…But his hand still found its way to my face. We both seemed to hold each other's face as if we couldn't believe this wasn't a dream. "You're really…Here…Seto…"  
I wrapped my arms around his waist; his arms wound around my neck almost immediately.

"Yes…And I'm ready to tell you everything…"


	12. You Will Be Loved, Never Abandoned

I took in a deep breath.  
A scent I had been longing to smell entered my nostrils. I felt his fingers running easily through my hair. He was breathing evenly…

"…You're awake now…Huh?" His voice was calm, loving even. "You fell asleep." Yami laughed lightly before tilting my face to meet his. His lips grazed the top of my forehead; for once I didn't refuse the blush that filled my cheeks.

"Y-Yami…What are you…?"

"I'm making up…For the month I never got to hold you…Kiss you, tell you I love you…" Another kiss to my forehead; at each touch of his lips my face continued to redden.

"…" I remained silent throughout the time he continued to kiss me.  
An apology isn't enough…And how can I even begin to explain…?  
Yami's kisses stopped, his hand grazed my face. His mouth opened as if he was going to say something, but he closed it soon after.

"…What?" I whispered, my voice was barely heard.

"How could you…Let yourself go like this Seto…?" He asked. His eyes had a sharp hint of irritation…But he also seemed worried about the state I was in. I began to wonder how Mokuba had kept his composure around me…

"I don't remember…The past month. The last…Situation I remember is when you and Yugi visited that day…" My voice wouldn't go higher than a whisper.  
I don't want to admit…To him that I'm weak…Mokuba knows; that's hard enough for me to manage….But if Yami were to know…?

"Seto…This is because of me isn't it…? If I wouldn't have…" I placed my hand to his mouth. I couldn't bear to hear him apologize when none of my condition was his fault…It all began with Gozaburo…And it ended with myself.  
I was too weak to force this head on…If I had been strong enough; I would have told you everything from the very start. You know more…Than most do about Gozaburo…You know what the company itself went through…What I DID to the company…How I felt about Gozaburo's artillery company…And you knew about Mokuba and I…Our adoption…Some of what we went through together…But…What you don't know…Is what I went through…What I did to keep Gozaburo away from Mokuba…  
My hand removed itself from his mouth. I pulled it close to my own so my words would be muffled when I spoke.

"…It's not your fault, it's mine." He took my hand in his grip and pulled it lightly away from my mouth. I saw a slight smile on his face; he knew what I had said…But something was telling me he was going to try and lighten the situation.  
"What was that?" He chuckled, "Did I just hear Seto Kaiba, the CEO of Kaiba Corporation, saying it was his fault?"  
I looked away; my face was red with embarrassment. "W-What of it? It was my fault…It's…" I trailed off. "…Always my fault…All of it…" I whispered.

I felt him turn underneath me, when I looked into his eyes again I was lying beside him. His arms were wrapped around me…He pulled me close as I felt his breath in the crook of my neck.

"I didn't hear you…Just say that did I?" His voice echoed in my ears; he was angry. I cringed at the tone as I remembered the last time I had heard his voice that way. He seemed to read my thoughts…I felt his hand on the back of my head. He held me tightly; securely…As if he was saying he would never let me go.

"…Why do you think that?"  
I hesitated before telling him everything.  
Should I…? What if…He thinks I'm tainted…? What if…

I began to think of the negatives of telling the truth…Of admitting to everything that Gozaburo had done to me…The 'what if's' clouded my mind.  
I don't want to tell him…I don't…I'm afraid to tell him.

"Don't be afraid to tell me Seto…" He was reading my mind again. Was I that easy to read when I my defenses were torn down?  
I opened my mouth to speak…My voice was caught in my throat again. Yami held me tighter when I realized I was crying. My body was shaking again as I held in the sobs.  
His grip loosened; but he kept me close to him.

"It's ok…Don't hold it in anymore Seto…" His voice and touch were soothing. It had been awhile since anyone had held me like he did now. "Let all that out…" His grip tightened on me again. I could he him whisper questions into my ear…He didn't intend on me answering them.

"…How could you hold all this in…? How in the world…?" He whispered.   
I began to wonder about the questions he asked…How could I have suppressed all these feelings…?  
Gozaburo's image flashed through my mind…  
I cringed.  
His smirk…His expressions…  
I began to think of myself, how I had acted over the years before I had met Yami…I compared myself to him and realized…In the end I was just like him. He took me…An innocent child…And molded me into what he desired. Something…Not human.

I knew he had intentions of me running his company…The way it was meant to be run…The way he built it up to be. But…Despite all that…All the teachings on military he gave me…All of the knowledge.  
I still knew I wanted nothing more than to build the company as my own when it was mine…  
But when the time came that…It took too long…I knew I couldn't bear any longer, the thought of what he was doing to me.  
I resorted to anything in order to make that stop…I took the company by strategy…

In the end…He went crazy…

"Seto what are you doing?" He yelled at me. His five corporate "leaders" were all stationed around me. Mokuba was standing to my right…His face was as expressionless as I had ever seen it…  
How could I have not noticed that before?

"Isn't it obvious? I'm putting the teachings you gave me to a test. A test that I have no chance of failing." I began; Gozaburo stared at me…Glared at me with the same eyes he had the night before. "I'm taking over your company and making it my own."  
Gozaburo's fist clenched tightly. I could see the nervousness on his face and the sweat that now covered his brow. His fist raised and slammed on the desk as he stood.

"What?! You, take over MY company?! Don't make me laugh! You're not ready to run even a small part of this company let alone the whole thing!" I could see his usual calm composure cracking. I remember smirking at the sight of it.  
He had ruined me…Took away my childhood…My innocence if I ever had any. Now…I was ruing his life.  
And I was enjoying it…

"Seto…? Come on…" I felt a kiss on my lips as I came out of m trance. My head swirled as my eyes opened quickly. "…Are you OK? You…Blacked out again…" Yami was looking at me with concerned eyes. I could tell now…He wasn't angry with me for blacking out…But he was terrified…That one day I wouldn't wake up…

"…I-I'm…Fine…"

He pulled me closer. "Tell me. What was it?" At first I wasn't sure what he was talking about; my mind swirled in confusion. "…What were you thinking about?" He rephrased. My arms gripped his body tightly. I could feel my lip quiver as I began to speak.

"G-Gozaburo…" I muttered. Yami seemed confused…Of course he was…He only had slight ideas of what I had been through…He didn't know the truly scarring events that took place…

"Why? I thought…You were over this…" He whispered.  
I pushed hard against his chest. My hands were shaking as I began to speak.

"Over it?! I…I can NEVER get over what he did to me…!!" My voice cracked as I continued. "…No one knows…I-I don't want anyone to…" I could feel the tears in my eyes again; I tried to force them back. Yami pulled me back into his chest. His arms held me tightly and securely…He waited for me to speak again. "…N-Not even…Mokuba knows…All of it…" I paused again. "I-I didn't even mean for him to see any of it…I-It's my fault he saw it…"  
I was being over-worked by Gozaburo…I gave everything I had to that man in order to make him happy…In order to keep him away from Mokuba…

I was able to keep his clutches away from Mokuba…For that I was grateful…But…It didn't come without a price.  
It was late at night…I was terrified that if I stopped working I would receive the same punishment I had before. My hand scribbled almost unreadable notes and signatures on each page.  
Gozaburo slammed the door open; I noticed that it didn't close all the way when he began to slam the door shut behind him. He walked over to me…At the time he towered over my body…I was only 9…

"You're still working?!" He bellowed.

"…" I wasn't sure if he was pleased…Or angered by what I was doing. He always seemed to push me to work over-time…And to work harder. "Yes…Sir."

He seemed to calm down. "Good." He paused for several moments before he continued. My hand remained moving against the paper. "Your brother had better watch his mouth, then. It may cause YOU more problems."  
My eyes widened as I dropped the pen on the desk.  
He wouldn't…? Would he…? He wouldn't harm Mokuba…He wouldn't do to Mokuba what he was doing to me…? He would…  
I stood from the desk; it was almost as tall as I was at the time. But I remained strong.

"What did you do to Mokuba?!" I yelled. "If you harmed him…!" His fist slammed down on the desk.

"If I harmed him, what? What will you do? Run away?" He smirked. "You have no where to go. Neither of you do. I know you wouldn't leave him here alone, and I also know you wouldn't take him with you for the fear you may not be able to protect him and take care of him, correct?"  
I sat down in the chair behind me.  
He was right…I couldn't take Mokuba with me…And I knew I couldn't leave him alone with Gozaburo.

"…" I remained silent. I wasn't sure what to say now…I knew apologizing wouldn't make a difference…

"So…it seems you're not fully adapted to my rules yet are you?"  
I knew it wouldn't matter what I said; whether I spoke back at him or whether I bowed to him. Either way I would receive the same punishment...He was in one of those moods…

"…What does it matter? Either way…I'm going to get punished…Like I did last night…" I muttered.

"You never could watch your mouth." He laughed evilly. "Why don't you…Come over here, Seto?"  
I stood from the chair and walked slowly over to him; as I did he reached into the drawer of the desk. His hand held a worn belt.

"You know what this is…Don't you?"  
I nodded. My eyes remained at the floor as I responded to him. I wasn't sure why I had looked towards the open doorway, but my eyes glanced towards that door. Gozaburo hadn't waited for my answer.  
It was fast enough…That I hadn't felt the pain at first. But soon the pain radiated through my face. I cringed as I remained standing.  
I knew that if I fell…It would only get worse…  
I closed my eyes…And opened them again. Once again they moved towards the open door. As Gozaburo brought the belt down harder on my small frame I saw someone…  
The one eye that was visible through the door was wide in fright. I could see his mouth open in protest…But my eyes forced him not to speak. I saw the tears fall from his eyes as he ran away from the open door and down the hallway…  
Gozaburo didn't seem to hear…

"Seto shut up!" I awoke from my daze at Yami's voice. He was holding my shoulders tightly as he stared at me with tear filled eyes. "I don't know what the hell happened…But it wasn't your fault…! Whatever he did to you, It wasn't your fault…Your childhood…You can't keep thinking all of that was your fault…" He took a deep breath before he continued.

"You told me…You did what you did for Mokuba. You wanted him to live the life you both deserved…" He pulled me close to him again. He began crying loudly…I held him tighter. His voice was broken and cracked when he continued. "B-But…You didn't…Live the life you deserved to…D-Did you?"

"…" I remained silent for a few moments. He waited for my answer. I knew this was one question I couldn't avoid…And…I did say I was going to tell him everything. "No…I didn't…But…M-Mokuba did…So…"

"That doesn't mean you deserved to be treated the way you did…!! What did he…?" I realized Yami was breaking down…I had years to deal…To cope with what had happened. To cover it up…But to Yami, he was hearing this for the first time…I tried to imagine what it would be like if Mokuba were telling me the things I was about to tell Yami…I wondered if it would hurt me or if it would hurt him more.

"Yami…" I suddenly regained the composure I thought I had lost. I didn't know how to say it…I wasn't sure how I was even going to begin to explain all I had went through. "It's OK. I'm…OK…So." I began. "No matter what I tell you…I want you to know that now it won't affect us at all…OK?"  
His hands gripped tightly on my shirt. By now he had moved so he was pinned to my chest. I was holding him…Soothing him as he had me only moments ago. He nodded lightly before I continued.   
I couldn't bear to say the word…The word that I had avoided all along. I knew there were other ways to say it…To imply the same meaning as that word was given. But I knew…If I always refused to say it I would never…Get better.

"…When I was younger. And even…Up until he died." At every word I spoke Yami seemed to cringe as he awaited what I was going to say. I was sure he knew what was coming…But I wasn't sure if he wanted to hear it as much as he had said he did. "Gozaburo continued to punish me in the ways he saw fit."

"H-How did he…? How could…?"

"I was always a smart ass." I said as I tried to lighten the mood. I chuckled lightly at my joke, even though it was probably truer rather than fiction. Yami cracked a smile but he remained pressed tightly against my chest. "…So…He would…" My voice froze inside my throat as I tried to continue.

Yami waited patiently; he wrapped his arms around my waist in comfort.

"…It's OK…T-Tell me…" He whispered.

"…" My lips quivered. "He abused me…P-Physically and…" My voice was cut off. Yami's lips were pressed tightly against mine. As we kissed…I had wondered how long he had been waiting for the moment…  
His kiss…It makes it better…This confession that I never wanted to confess…It makes me want to tell him more…It makes me want to tell him ALL of it…No more secrets…No more lies…  
When our lips broke I ran into his arms. I started crying again as I admitted to it all.

I admitted to everything Gozaburo had ever done to me.

The emotional abuse…The physical…

The way his touch always sent shivers down my spine when he touched me.  
Yami listened to it all…He held me tighter when I needed it and even kissed me when I didn't ask. By the end of it all I was calm…

My breathing had slowed to its regular pace; my head was pounding but I knew it wouldn't last after I slipped into sleep. I looked into Yami's eyes as the drowsiness took over my body. He took my face in his hands and kissed me lovingly.

I knew what he was going to say…And for once…The words "you're mine" made me feel secure...Safe.

"…You will always be loved, you will never be abandoned. Not anymore. You're mine…Forever…And always…I promise you…Ai shiteru my Seto."


End file.
